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Sinful Relationship and Marriage

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I have been dating someone for almost a year and we are both in our final year at university. We often feel guilt for doing sin and have gone through to periods of trying to avoid seeing each other but at times we fall weak and fall into sin. We have planned to tell our parents about the prospect of marriage after our final exams.

How one can be certain about the time being right for marriage?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.

Preparing for marriage

“And it is among His signs that He has created for you wives from among yourselves, so that you may find tranquility in them, and He has created love and kindness between you. Surely in this there are signs for a people who reflect.” [Qur’an, 30:21]

Marriage is indeed a very big decision. Unfortunately, when you are already emotionally attached, it is very difficult to zoom out and objectively consider if the person you are with is actually good marriage material.

I strongly encourage creating some emotional and physical distance so that you can both reflect on whether or not you are both ready to be married, and whether or not you are both actually suitable for each other.

Often, the stress of keeping a sinful relationship secret creates a strong attachment. Once that stress is gone, there may be very little left to build a solid connection.

Please consult this link to help you decide how to move forward:

Should a Couple in a Sinful Relationship Get Married? [Video]

Moving forward

“Do not even go close to fornication. It is indeed a shameful act, and an evil way to follow.” [Qur’an, 17:32]

Feeling guilt is a good sign. I pray that Allah helps you make good on your repentance.

Both of you need to study the spirit and letter of the law before you commit to marriage. I strongly encourage both of you to complete this course: Keys to Successful Muslim Marriages: Practical lessons that explain the Prophetic Spirit of Marriage

You will need to earn enough money to financially support your future wife, at the standard of living she is used to. Many couples who marry young need to start off living very simply, in order to make ends meet. Use these challenging moments as opportunities to turn towards each other.

I suggest that you both read Islamic Marriage – Initiating and Upholding and Before You Tie The Knot.

Parents

Have your parents spoken to you about their expectations for your marriage? It’s important that you speak to them honestly, and get them on your side. They may be upset, especially if they had someone else in mind for you to marry, so do your best to stay calm and give them time to come around.

It is important for you to perform the Prayer of Guidance to help you decide whether or not to get married. If Allah makes your path to marriage easy, then perhaps that is a sign for you to go ahead. If He places many obstacles, then perhaps it is a sign for you to not go ahead with it.

I pray this has been helpful.

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.

I Am in an Impermissible but Healthy Relationship. What Should I Do?

Answered by Shaykh Jamir Meah

Question: Assalamu alaykum

I am in a relationship which I know is haram and we have also done haram in the time we spent together during meetings and now people are getting suspicious but as a couple we are helping each other islamically which is making our attachment even stronger and harder to break. What am I meant to do?

Answer: Assalam ‘alaykum. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Though the situation may feel complex to you, the solutions are actually very simple. There are only really two options for you both: You either get married or you break up. There is no third option.

Getting Married

Allah Most High has commanded us to keep away from going anywhere near unlawful relationships, ‘And approach not fornication; surely it is an indecency, and evil as a way’ [17:32]. ‘Approaching fornication’ begins with the eyes and ears, then speech, then touch, and so on.

If you are both suitable for marriage, then I first suggest you have your friend speak to your father directly and ask for your hand in marriage, or, have his family approach your family. If you are serious about being with each other, then marriage is the only lawful way for this to happen. Allah has permitted us to marry in order to preserve chastity.

Breaking up

If marriage is not an option, then you must break off the relationship, for your sake and his. Breaking up means cutting off all communications with each other (including text messaging, etc.). If this needs to be done, send an email stating what needs to be done, and then move on, without going back and forth.

It may be hard, but the reality is that you cannot help each other Islamically if your being together is unislamic. While love is an important factor in any relationship, the true and highest meaning of an Islamic relationship is that which is done for Allah, and within the boundaries Allah has set forth.

If you really can’t get married, breaking up may be a true sign of your concern for one another, in this life and the next.

Repentance

Whether you marry or not, you must both pray salat al tawba. This consists of two cycles of prayer, sincere du’a for forgiveness, and a genuine and firm resolve not to return to the sin again (including talking with each other without need). I would also recommend giving some charity as a way of atonement, even if a small amount.

I wish you all the best, and that Allah guide you both to that which is pleasing to Him, and increase you in obedience to Him.

Warmest salams,
[Shaykh] Jamir Meah

Shaykh Jamir Meah grew up in Hampstead, London. In 2007, he traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he spent nine years studying the Islamic sciences on a one-to-one basis under the foremost scholars of the Ribaat, Tarim, with a main specialization and focus on Shafi’i fiqh. In early 2016, he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continues advanced studies in a range of Islamic sciences, as well as teaching. Jamir is a qualified homeopath.

I Feel So Guilty About Having a Girlfriend. How Can I Get Through This?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: I was immature and got a girlfriend and then broke up after many years. I feel so guilty, as I wasted her time, dragged her along for nothing and increased her sins.

What dua can I read to help her and me get through it? Is it permissible for me to have water pumps installed in her name, so her sins can be reduced?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for seeking out clarity on this issue.

Repentance

May Allah reward you for giving up that which displeases Him. May He bless you with a tranquil marriage when the time is right.

It would be better for you to have a clean break from this young woman. Please do not contact her, even if it is to think of ways to help her feel better. I advise against having water pumps installed in her name, as this is a sign that your heart is still connected to her. Preoccupy your heart with Allah. Concern yourself with the state of your heart.

Every time you think of her, please seek refuge in Allah from Shaytan, and make copious istighfar. For the sake of your heart, and hers, please leave this chapter of your life behind. Feeling guilt is a good sign, but try not to let it overwhelm you.

Accountability

Both of you had a role to play in your sin. She chose to sin with you, out of her own free will and, inshaAllah, Allah will grant her the means to heal. Trust in the Mercy of your Lord.

Moving forward

Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that: The Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said: “Whoever wishes that Allah would respond to him during hardship and grief, then let him supplicate plentifully when at ease.” [Tirmidhi]

Please read Ayat al-Kursi every day and ask Allah to lift this burden from your heart. I recommend that you perform the Prayer of Need in the last third of the night and ask Allah to help you through this. Increase in your acts of worship, and give in charity.

Please look after yourself during this time. Heartbreak is among the most painful experiences in this dunya, but trust that this too shall past.

“They talk of short-lived pleasures: Be it so: pain dies as quickly, and lets her weary prisoner go; the fiercest agonies have shortest reign.”—William Cullen Bryant.

Please see:

A Reader on Tawba (Repentance)
Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Wellbeing by Chaplain Ibrahim Long

Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers through Qibla Academy and SeekersHub Global. She also graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales.

I Am Attracted to a Young Man Who is in a Relationship. Should I Follow My Heart?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: A week ago I met a guy who is in a relationship with someone else. I feel like he is the one and I want to marry him. I care for him. Should I follow my heart? My heart says I’m going to marry him. We will avoid fornication.

Answer: Assalamualayakum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for seeking out an answer which is pleasing to Him.

Emotion

Allah Most High says: “And come not near to the unlawful sexual intercourse (zina). Verily, it is a Fahishah [i.e. anything that transgresses its limits (a great sin)], and an evil way (that leads one to Hell unless Allah forgives him).” [Qur’an, 17:32]

You sound enamoured with this young man. I urge you to be careful and not act on how you feel. Feelings are not facts. Follow your heart if it calls you to what is pleasing to Allah. Don’t follow your heart if it calls you to sin. The only pure romantic relationship with a man is marriage!

You might feel like he is ‘the one’ for you, but Allah alone knows what is written for us. This is why Islam draws such strict boundaries around gender interaction; it can be so easy to fall for someone who is not your husband.

Take a breather and think about your situation. This young man is already in a relationship with someone else. Dear sister, save your heart for your husband. Have patience, and occupy yourself with good, or else you will occupy yourself with bad.

Destiny

Comfort yourself with the knowledge that whoever and whatever is written for you will reach you – your responsibility is to do what is right by Allah in all states. If he is meant to be your husband, then let him come to you in a way that is halal (through marriage).

Solutions

1) When registration reopens, I strongly encourage you to complete this course – Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life. You must understand the spirit and the law behind marriage before getting married.
2) Be honest with yourself and ask if you are truly ready to get married.
3) If you are, please speak to your family and let them know that you want to get married.
4) Even if you are not ready to get married, please keep your distance from this young man. The closer you get to him, the more you are likely to fall into sin.
5) Increase your acts of worship to keep you mindful of Allah. Fast at least twice a week. Keep good company. Keep away from media intake which calls you to haram, e.g love songs.

Please refer to the following link:
Why Does Islam not Allow Boyfriends and Girlfriends?

Wassalam,
Raidah

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Should I Marry My Boyfriend, or Break Off the Relationship?

Answered by Ustadh Tabraze Azam
Question: I have a boyfriend.
We have transgressed some limits and  I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to tell him that I have decided to marry him or to stop having contact.
But I have learned that transgressing limits before marriage takes all the baraka away that comes with marriage.
Now I am afraid to marry him and then have a bad marriage because of lack of baraka.
Is there a way to get some baraka since i really love him and except for our mistakes he is a really good man?Or should I just break up and forget him?
Answer: Wa alaikum assalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray that you are in the best of health and faith, insha’Allah.
No, you can still marry him and have a blessed marriage, insha’Allah.
Allah Most High says, “Say, ‘[God says], My servants who have harmed yourselves by your own excess, do not despair of God’s mercy. God forgives all sins: He is truly the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful.” [39.53]
The key to blessedness and success is constant repentance and turning to Allah. Repentance has three conditions: to leave the sin, remorse over having committed it, and to resolve never to return to it. If you have made a mistake, pray the Prayer of Repentance (salat al-tawba) [see: Prayer of Repentance: Salat al-Tawba]
Allah Most High says, “You who believe, seek help through steadfastness and prayer, for God is with the steadfast.” [2.153]
Repent from all sin, decide if you are fully compatible with each other, and then pray the Prayer of Seeking Guidance (salat al-istikhara). [see: The Reality of Istikhara] If you decide to marry him, tactfully minimize all unnecessary contact and pray the Prayer of Need (salat al-hajah) regularly. [see: How Does One Perform The Prayer Of Need (salat al-haja)?]
Ibn `Ata’illah said in one of his aphorisms, “Whosoever’s beginning is illuminated, their ending is illuminated.”
I’d consider taking this class: Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
See: A Reader on Tawba (Repentance) and: Islamic Marriage- Intiating and Upholding
wassalam,
Tabraze Azam
Checked & Approved by Faraz Rabbani