Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
1) Is one’s destined spouse already predetermined since one is in the fetus?
2) Are we obliged to marry our destined one? And how about people who never marry, don’t they have a destined one?
3) Can our destined one be from Ahl al-Kitab, or our destined one if they are from Ahl al-Kitab right now, will they be Muslim when we marry them?
4) One year ago, I saw a catholic girl at school once, and I was enchanted by her so I prayed istikhara. After that, I almost saw her every day and my heart was filled with certainty. I asked my Muslim teacher about it, but he didn’t give a straight answer. He just said, “a woman can make your faith go up and down“. I prayed istikhara for a month, and I was seeing her almost every day and my heart was filled with certainty.
I started to chat with her on social media. On the last day of my prayer, I spoke to her for the first time, and everything was fine.
For a few months our relationship was going fine, we mostly only speak on social media, however, our relationship started being rocky after that. She didn’t want to see me, I was patient with her, and every time we fought I always asked Allah what to do, and every time my heart was filled with such energy again or she would say something that made us better.
Yet, of course, it wasn’t a sweet relationship because I have to be patient with her actions, and we have fight after fight. Even after she made a grave mistake, I stayed by her side and gave her mental support and advice.
A few months after she made that mistake, she started to open her heart to me, she started to feel happy with me, even as a friend, she was happy because I stayed by her side every time even though she treated me poorly. Even after she disappointed everyone, I stayed by her side to make her a better person.
How is this possible and what is the best course of action?
Thank you for your question.
Our Belief in Destiny
“To believe in destiny, its good and evil means to be convinced that Allah Most High has ordained both good and evil before creating creation and that all that has been and all that will be only exists through Allah’s decree, foreordinance, and will.
Early Muslims used to answer whoever asked about destiny by saying, ‘It is knowing that what hits you was not going to miss, and what misses you was not going to hit’ (al-Jawahir al-lu’lu’iyya Ii sharh al-Arba’in al-Nawawiyya (y68), 35-37).” [Keller, Reliance of the Traveller, p. 813]
Our Individual Responsibility
One may or may not have a pre-ordained destined spouse, this is all in Allah’s knowledge and plan. Only Allah knows who one will marry, if at all. Knowing your destiny, or even thinking about it, doesn’t benefit you at all. You are only responsible for behaving according to the sharia and repenting to Allah and obeying Him. You will responsible for the choices that you made on the day of Judgment.
Repentance as a First Step
I strongly urge you to make repentance (tawba) and keep away from this girl. She doesn’t seem like she is the right one to be the mother of your children. She doesn’t treat you well and you should not be in such a difficult relationship while you are in school.
The Prophet, may Allah bless him and give him peace, said, “Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Almighty but that Allah will replace it with something better.” [Ahmad]
Ask Allah to help you turn away from her and end the turmoil. Keep your head clear and focus on school. Unfollow her on your social media and use it sparingly. Pray on time five times a day and spend your free time gaining knowledge, taking care of yourself, or in service and charity.
You are not in too deep yet, so please get out while you can. When the time comes for marriage, follow the Prophet’s advice, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, “The Prophet said, may Allah bless him and give him peace, “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman, may your hands be rubbed with dust (may you prosper).“ Please read the following link about marriage to better prepare for this commitment.
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
May Allah give you all the best.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.