Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: I have brothers who have moved out and have children. Whenever they come and visit my parents and me they behave in an impolite and reckless way. I am financially supporting my parents, they are not. Is it permissible for me to buy my own home in order to avoid the resulting emotional anxiety and regular confrontations?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. Dear sister, may Allah make a clear way out for you and grant you the tranquility which you seek.
Young adult versus mature adult
There is a difference between being a young adult, and a mature adult. Depending on the norms of your society or customs, it could be after 18 or after completing college.
It is permitted for a mature adult woman to move out of home, but please do so with consideration and tact. When you are already frustrated with your family, it is tempting to pack up and leave without clearing the air. The short-term solution of moving out can cause problems in the long-run.
Please perform the Prayer of Need for Allah to lift this tribulation from you, and please perform the Prayer of Guidance up to seven times about whether to move out or not. If Allah makes it easy for you to leave, then that is an answer for you. If He makes it difficult, then that is an answer for you.
Is there a compassionate local scholar whom you can speak to and ask for advice?
If you do decide to move out, please do your best to allay your parent’s concerns. Your parents worry for you and want what is good for you, even if they struggle to express it. You may not always agree with what they do or say, but you must always treat them with respect and compassion.
If you move out, are you still able to support your parents, while taking care of the expenses in your own home? Please plan this carefully to save yourself heartache and stress.
If you are only able to support yourself, then it sounds like you will need to ask your brothers to take up the responsibility of financially providing for your parents. I pray that your brothers will learn to support your parents in a way which pleases Allah.
The people closest to us are often the biggest tests of our character. Even if your situation feels unjust, trust that nothing is lost with Allah. If your intentions are in the right place, inshaAllah you will be tremendously rewarded for supporting your parents, while keeping patient with your brothers.
That being said, your emotional well-being is important. If repeated interactions with your parents and brothers is bringing you down, is there a family or community elder who can help advocate for you?
Also, please consider seeing a psychologist or counsellor to help you cope with your emotional distress.
Please refer to the following links:
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani