How Can I Guide My Deaf Daughter Who Says She Is Non-Binary?

Answered by Mawlana Ilyas Patel

Question

My daughter says she is non-binary and has been influenced by her school friends. She is deaf, and I am a widowed mother also caring for a son with autism.

How can I guide her with compassion and firmness while coping with my own challenges?

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate

I pray you are in good health. Thank you for seeking guidance.

Islamically, gender is fixed at creation as male or female, and claiming otherwise contradicts the Quran.

What your daughter is experiencing deserves compassion, wisdom, and sustained guidance.

You must be feeling pain, frustration, and confusion. However, your daughter needs to know first that she is loved by Allah Most High and by you, and that she is not beyond His mercy or guidance.

She should never feel hated, humiliated, or treated as less than human because of her struggles.

Allah Created Everything in Binary

The Quran is crystal clear that Allah Most High created everything in pairs (binary).

Allah Most High says, “And We created pairs of all things, so perhaps you would be mindful.” [Quran, 51:49]

Allah Most High says, “And He created the pairs—males and females” [Quran, 53:45]

Allah Most High says, “Glory be to the One Who created all (things in) pairs—(be it) what the earth produces, their genders, or what they do not know!” [Quran, 36:36]

Based on the above evidence, claiming to be a-gender or non-binary contradicts the Quran and is unlawful.

Gender Identity in Islam

In Islam, an individual is either male or female; any person who undergoes sex-change surgery will remain the same sex, and the rulings of that sex will continue to apply, according to scholars’ research. Read the links below of contemporary bodies of jurists.

‘One person cannot be truly both male or female at the same time. One is either male or female.’ [Kasani, Bada’i al-Sana’i]

Gender is Male or Female

So Islamically, gender is either male or female;  transition is seen as altering Allah’s creation, and it is religiously forbidden (haram). While there is also a distinction between transgender cases and intersex cases, medical treatment may be used to clarify an unclear sex.

Supporting Your Daughter

Take practical action, not just talk about change. Introduce her to friends, especially deaf friends, and bond over shared activities like prayer, outings, and meals. Become her best friend. Include fun, religious girls, and register her for sports.

Turn to Allah

Turn to Allah Most High during this trial, and ask Him to guide and direct you and your children. Supplicate to Him, for He really is the only One who can make her leave this. It is very important right now that you pray, read the Quran daily, learn your religion, and rely on Him. You must transform yourself if you want her to transform, too.

Strive for Allah’s pleasure, pray the Prayer of Need, ask Allah in the depths of the night, and turn to Him wholly.

Supplication (Dua)

Keep your tongue moist with this Quranic supplication (du’a): “Rabbana hab lana min azwajina wa dhurriyatina qurrata a`yunin waj’alna lil-muttaqina imama” (Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring joy to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous). [Quran, 25:74]

I would suggest professional Muslim counseling support alongside scholarly guidance.

A Parent’s Path Through This Trial

A parent’s duty is to teach the truth with wisdom, mercy, and patience — and to trust that consistent love and guidance, combined with turning to Allah, are the means.

In your case, Allah has immense reward for you as a widowed mother raising a deaf daughter and an autistic son.

May Allah guide you to gently help her understand and change, and grant you every ease in looking after your son with wellbeing (afiya). I hope you resolve these issues and find comfort with your family.

And Allah alone knows best.

[Mawlana] Ilyas Patel
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Related Answers

• Is It Permissible to Identify as Non-binary or Agender? — A concise Islamic legal response discussing contemporary non-binary and agender identities through Qur’anic and theological reasoning.
• What Is the Islamic Perspective On Gender? — Explores the Islamic understanding of gender, reality, and human nature from a theological and ethical perspective.
• Analytical Review of Contemporary Fatwas in Resolving Biomedical Issues Over Gender Ambiguity — An academic study examining classical and contemporary Islamic fatwas on gender ambiguity and biomedical ethics.
• How Does One Perform The Prayer Of Need (Salat al-Haja)? — Explains the method, supplications, and spiritual etiquette of performing Ṣalāt al-Ḥāja according to Sunni scholarship.

Mawlana Ilyas Patel has received traditional education in various countries. He started his schooling in the UK and completed his hifz of the Quran in India. After that, he joined an Islamic seminary in the UK, where he studied secular and Aalimiyya sciences. Later, he traveled to Karachi, Pakistan, and other Middle Eastern countries to further his education. Mawlana has served as an Imam in the Republic of Ireland for several years and taught the Quran and other Islamic sciences to both children and adults. He also worked as a teacher and librarian at a local Islamic seminary in the UK for 12 years. Presently, he lives in the UK with his wife and is interested in books and gardening.