May I Refuse to Have Children If My Husband Wants Them, and Should We Separate?
Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Question
You married for love, but cultural differences and family expectations have made your marriage difficult. You are now certain you never want children, your husband is certain he does and does not take your view seriously, and you ask whether Islam obliges you to have children and whether parting now would be kinder than waiting.
Answer
In the Name of Allah, the Merciful and Compassionate.
What you’re carrying is heavy, and it’s clear you’re trying to be honest with yourself and with your husband.
Having children is something a husband and wife decide together, and this is not a decision to make alone or in haste. Before you think of parting, give it the time, the conversation, and the help it deserves.
Talk Together, and Truly Listen
Sit down with your husband at a calm time. Express your concerns clearly: what you feel, and what in the marriage has brought you here. Then listen to his concerns with the same openness you’re asking of him. Aim for a mutual understanding of what each of you needs and fears.
Much of what you describe seems tied to how unsure you feel about the marriage itself. Talk about that too, honestly: what would need to change for this marriage to feel safe and settled for you both?
Seek Allah’s Guidance, and Good Help
Pray the prayer of seeking guidance (istikhara), and keep asking Allah to show you what is best for your religion and your life.
Since turning to your families is not an option for you, bring in a good, trained counselor, ideally one who respects your faith, to help you both reach a resolution.
Do not make a lasting decision in a moment of exhaustion. If, after sincere effort, counsel, and istikhara, you still can’t find common ground, then seek the advice of a trusted local scholar on the way forward.
Love and Mercy Are Allah’s to Place
Allah Most High says, “And of His truly wondrous signs is having created for you, from your own kind, wives to repose in solace to, and made between you tender love and mercy: Verily in all that are a multitude of mighty signs for a people who reflect.” [Quran 30:21; Keller, The Quran Beheld]
A Supplication for Hard Days
Abu Bakra (Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “The supplications of the distressed: ‘O Allah, it is Your mercy I hope for, so do not leave me to myself for the blink of an eye, and set right for me all my affairs; there is no god but You.’” [Abu Dawud]
اللَّهُمَّ رَحْمَتَكَ أَرْجُو فَلَا تَكِلْنِي إِلَى نَفْسِي طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ وَأَصْلِحْ لِي شَأْنِي كُلَّهُ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا أَنْتَ
Turn to Allah with it often. The One who placed love between you in the first place can set your affairs right.
And Allah knows best.
Faraz Rabbani
Related Answers
One. My Husband Doesn’t Want to Have Kids. What Can I Do? — Ustadh Salman Younas: Having children is encouraged, and a wife has a right to children that her husband should not deny her.
Two. Is It Obligatory to Try to Have Children? — Shaykh Abdurragmaan Khan: Children are a right of both spouses, so neither may deny the other without a valid reason.
Three. Is It Selfish To Not Want Children? — Ustadha Shazia Ahmad: A wife who refuses her husband children may be sinning, and he may take it as grounds for divorce.
Courses for Further Study
Every course here is free, each has a named teacher, and you can put your questions to the teacher as you study.
One. Marriage in Islam — Shaykh Faraz Rabbani: The rulings and etiquette of marriage, from the contract to building a happy home.
النصوص · Source-Texts
[أبو داود] «دَعَوَاتُ الْمَكْرُوبِ: اللَّهُمَّ رَحْمَتَكَ أَرْجُو فَلَا تَكِلْنِي إِلَى نَفْسِي طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ وَأَصْلِحْ لِي شَأْنِي كُلَّهُ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا أَنْتَ»
Shaykh Faraz Rabbani is a recognized specialist scholar in the Islamic sciences, having studied under leading scholars from around the world. He is the Founder and Executive Director of SeekersGuidance.Shaykh Faraz stands as a distinguished figure in Islamic scholarship. His journey in seeking knowledge is marked by dedication and depth. He spent ten years studying under some of the most revered scholars of our times. His initial studies took place in Damascus. He then continued in Amman, Jordan. In Damascus, he was privileged to learn from the late Shaykh Adib al-Kallas. Shaykh Adib al-Kallas was renowned as the foremost theologian of his time. Shaykh Faraz also studied under Shaykh Hassan al-Hindi in Damascus. Shaykh Hassan is recognized as one of the leading Hanafi jurists of our era. Upon completing his studies, Shaykh Faraz returned to Canada in 2007. His return marked a new chapter in his service to the community. He founded SeekersGuidance. The organization reflects his commitment to spreading Islamic knowledge. It aims to be reliable, relevant, inspiring, and accessible. This mission addresses both online and on-the-ground needs. Shaykh Faraz is also an accomplished author. His notable work includes “Absolute Essentials of Islam: Faith, Prayer, and the Path of Salvation According to the Hanafi School.” This book, published by White Thread Press in 2004, is a significant contribution to Islamic literature. His influence extends beyond his immediate community. Since 2011, Shaykh Faraz has been recognized as one of the 500 most influential Muslims. This recognition comes from the Royal Islamic Strategic Studies Center. It underscores his impact on the global Islamic discourse. Shaykh Faraz Rabbani’s life and work embody a profound commitment to Islamic scholarship. His teachings continue to enlighten and guide seekers of knowledge worldwide.
