How Should I Deal With a Parent’s Harmful Behavior?
Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Question
My mother’s conduct has changed over time in ways I find immoral, and it is harming me inwardly.
When I try to advise her, she answers with financial pressure and emotional manipulation.
How should I deal with this when it feels as though her role as a mother has been damaged?
Answer
In the name of Allah, Most Merciful and Compassionate.
This is a heavy thing to carry so young, and your distress at it is the sign of a heart that loves what is right. Three duties are knotted together here, and untangling them will ease the weight.
The first is your standing duty toward her, which her shortcomings do not cancel.
Allah Most High commanded kindness to parents even in the hardest case, where they push a child toward disbelief itself: “And if they strive to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them, but accompany them in this world with kindness.” [Quran 31:15]
Hold both halves. You do not follow her into wrong, and you do not withdraw your good treatment of her either.
Regard Her as the Prophet Regarded the Sinner
How the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) carried himself toward those who fell into sin is the disposition to hold toward your mother.
A man was brought to our Beloved Prophet (peace be upon him) again and again for drinking, and when someone cursed the man, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said: “Do not curse him. By Allah, I know that he loves Allah and His Messenger.” [Bukhari]
Imam Nawawi explains that to curse a sinner is to help Shaytan against him; the Sunna is to recall a person’s good and wish him well. [Nawawi, Sharh Sahih Muslim]
Hafidh Ibn Hajar notes that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) would point to a wrongdoer’s virtue precisely to draw him back toward it. [Ibn Hajar, Fath al-Bari]
The same mercy fills the tradition: a woman of ill repute was forgiven entirely for giving water to a dog dying of thirst [Bukhari; Muslim], and a woman of Ghamid who came confessing grave sin was praised for a repentance so complete it would have sufficed many. [Muslim]
None of this reduced the seriousness of the sin; all of it refused to shrink the person to the sin.
Your mother is not her failing, and she is far closer to guidance than a stranger would be.
Advise Gently, Guard Yourself, Carry Her in Du’a
The second duty, advising, is lighter than you fear. Counsel to a parent is offered softly, rarely, in its moment, and never bought with obedience in disobedience to Allah, for the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him)said: “There is no obedience to any created being in disobedience to the Creator.” [Ahmad]
Offer the advice once, kindly, and leave the result to Allah. Her reaction is not yours to fix.
The third duty you may be neglecting: your own protection. You say this is reaching you in intimate ways, so guard your own gaze and heart first, for Allah Most High says, “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and guard their chastity; that is purer for them.” [Quran 24:30]
Where being present exposes you to harm, it is no sin to be elsewhere at certain times, provided your speech toward her remains respectful. Distance for self-protection is not the cutting of ties.
Your strongest instrument is not confrontation but supplication (du’a).
Ask Allah in the depth of the night to guide her and soften her heart, as you would want someone to ask for you.
Honor her, guard yourself, advise gently and seldom, and entrust the rest to the One who turns hearts.
Many a parent has been returned to Allah by a child’s quiet, patient prayer.
And Allah knows best.
[Shaykh] Faraz Rabbani
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Shaykh Faraz Rabbani is a recognized specialist scholar in the Islamic sciences, having studied under leading scholars from around the world. He is the Founder and Executive Director of SeekersGuidance.
Shaykh Faraz stands as a distinguished figure in Islamic scholarship. His journey in seeking knowledge is marked by dedication and depth. He spent ten years studying under some of the most revered scholars of our times. His initial studies took place in Damascus. He then continued in Amman, Jordan.
In Damascus, he was privileged to learn from the late Shaykh Adib al-Kallas. Shaykh Adib al-Kallas was renowned as the foremost theologian of his time. Shaykh Faraz also studied under Shaykh Hassan al-Hindi in Damascus. Shaykh Hassan is recognized as one of the leading Hanafi jurists of our era.
Upon completing his studies, Shaykh Faraz returned to Canada in 2007. His return marked a new chapter in his service to the community. He founded SeekersGuidance. The organization reflects his commitment to spreading Islamic knowledge. It aims to be reliable, relevant, inspiring, and accessible. This mission addresses both online and on-the-ground needs.
Shaykh Faraz is also an accomplished author. His notable work includes “Absolute Essentials of Islam: Faith, Prayer, and the Path of Salvation According to the Hanafi School.” This book, published by White Thread Press in 2004, is a significant contribution to Islamic literature.
His influence extends beyond his immediate community. Since 2011, Shaykh Faraz has been recognized as one of the 500 most influential Muslims. This recognition comes from the Royal Islamic Strategic Studies Center. It underscores his impact on the global Islamic discourse.
Shaykh Faraz Rabbani’s life and work embody a profound commitment to Islamic scholarship. His teachings continue to enlighten and guide seekers of knowledge worldwide.
