How Can I Win My Parents Over to the Man I Want to Marry?

Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Question

There is someone I have known since high school, and now that we are older, I’m 26, and he is 30, we want to get married. I am finishing my undergraduate studies, while he lives overseas and runs a small jewelry business.

When I told my parents, they strongly rejected him without properly meeting or getting to know him. Their objections include his darker skin color, looks, financial situation, and social status. My father says he is not from our “class” and that I will not be happy because he is not wealthy. They also believe he wants to marry me so I can come to the USA, which is not true. He tried to speak respectfully to my mother, but she did not respond positively. They have said that if I marry him, I may lose my relationship with my mother. I cry often and question whether I am doing something wrong. Sometimes, out of frustration, I speak harshly to my parents, and I regret it. Should I obey my parents, give him up, and marry someone they approve of? I worry I may struggle to accept that person wholeheartedly as my husband. What are my rights and responsibilities toward my parents, and how can I handle this?

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate.

May Allah console you. A year of tears between the man you hope to marry and the mother you love is a real trial, and your wish to do what pleases Allah is itself a sign of good.

Skin color, looks, and social class are not grounds the sacred law recognizes for refusing a righteous suitor. Your task is not to defeat your parents but to win them, patiently and with honor, and never through a secret marriage.

What Matters, and What Does Not

Allah Most High says, “Verily, the greatest of you all in the sight of Allah is the most God-fearing of you.” [Quran 49:13; Keller, The Quran Beheld] The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “When someone whose religion and character you approve of seeks your daughter in marriage, then give her to him in marriage.” [Tirmidhi]

In the Hanafi school, wealth counts only as his ability to pay the customary prompt dowry (mahr) and to provide maintenance. A man running his own business may well meet that. Yet your parents’ good pleasure and your bond with your mother matter greatly. So the aim is their blessing.

How to Win Them Over

One. Answer the visa worry concretely. Let him show his intentions by his conduct, and talk openly about where you would live and how.

Two. Answer the money worry with a plan. Let him explain his business, his income, and how he will provide for you, honestly and without exaggeration.

Three. Ask them to meet him and his family properly, in person or by video, before they decide.

Four. Find a respected elder or imam, ideally one who knows both families, to speak on his behalf. Parents often hear from a trusted elder what they cannot hear from their daughter.

Five. Give it time. Hearts soften slowly, and pressure hardens them.

Six. Appeal to their hearts. Tell them calmly that your happiness and your faith matter to you, that you are sincere, and that you want to marry with their blessing.

Seven. Pray for them, pray the prayer of seeking guidance (istikhara), and leave the outcome with Allah.

Your Own Conduct

Allah Most High says, “Never say ‘Faugh!’ to them or rebuff them harshly; But speak to them respectful words of honor.” [Quran 17:23; Keller, The Quran Beheld] Repent of the harsh words, apologize to your parents sincerely, and resolve to speak only with gentleness. Your kindness now may persuade them more than any argument.

Given the considerations in such cases, please consult reliable local scholars about the specifics of the situation.

Turn to Allah with hope. He sees your tears, and He can bring your family together in what pleases Him.

And Allah knows best.

Jazakum Allah khayr.

Faraz Rabbani

Related Answers

• Can Parents Deny a Suitor Because of His Culture Even If He Has Good Character and Religion? — Culture alone is no valid reason to refuse a suitor of good religion and character.
• Parents Rejecting The Man I Love Due To Ethnicity — Honest dialogue, a formal proposal, and istikhara, without a secret marriage.
• Parents’ Interference in Marriage — Parents deserve honor and respect, but they cannot compel a child to divorce a lawful spouse or block a permissible reconciliation.