Must I Seek Forgiveness from the Parents of a Classmate I Bullied?

Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Question

If I bullied a classmate as a teenager, do I need to seek forgiveness from his parents as well, given that they were the ones who complained to the school, or does seeking his forgiveness suffice?

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Merciful and Compassionate.

Wa alaykum al-salam. That this still weighs on you years later is itself a mercy. The right here is owed to your former classmate alone; his parents do not hold a separate right you must discharge to them.

The Hanafi school divides wrongs into two kinds. Sincere repentance lifts a wrong against Allah alone. Repentance lifts a wrong against a human being (huquq al-ʿibad) only when the right is also returned to the one who holds it. Bullying is the second kind, and the right belongs to the one you harmed.

Your classmate’s parents suffered real distress, and their complaint to the school was guardians doing what guardians should do. But grief carried on behalf of someone else does not become a claim of its own. You took nothing of theirs, and you struck at nothing of their own honor. Settle it with your classmate and it is settled.

Now the part that bears on you today. Seeking the wronged person’s pardon is the rule where you can do it cleanly. Where approaching him, or his family, would reopen a wound that has closed, expose what Allah has since concealed, or cause fresh harm, the direct approach falls away; Imam Ghazali (Allah have mercy on him) treats this in the Ihyaʾ. Turning up at a former classmate’s parents’ door years later is close to the very case the exception exists to prevent.

So, a path that ends:

One. If you can reach your classmate simply and without drama, tell him plainly that you wronged him and ask him to forgive you. Keep it short.

Two. If you cannot reach him, or reaching him would disturb him, stop there. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Whoever has wronged his brother regarding his honor or anything else, let him seek release from him today, before there is no dinar and no dirham.” [Bukhari] You seek that release by the means open to you, and no more is asked of you.

Three. Ask Allah for him, by name, in your supplication. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “The supplication of a Muslim for his brother in his absence is answered.” [Muslim]

Four. Give charity on his behalf, however small.

Five. Say nothing to the parents. There is nothing owed there.

One Person Holds This Right, and It Can Be Settled

You discharge a right of a servant to the one whose right it is; where doing so directly would cause new harm, repentance, supplication, and good done on his behalf take its place. You have already done the hardest part, which is to name honestly what you did. Do the steps above, then close the file and leave it closed. A boy who grew into a man who still cannot forget a wrong he did at school is not a man Allah has turned away from.

And Allah knows best.

Faraz Rabbani

Related Answers

One. Does One Have To Ask the Forgiveness of People He Has Wronged in the Distant Past? — Shaykh Abdurragmaan Khan: Holds that seeking the wronged person’s pardon is required however long ago the wrong occurred.

Two. Can Seeking Forgiveness From Those Harmed Be Waived If It Inflicts Greater Harm? — Shaykh Faraz Rabbani: Waives the direct approach where reopening the matter causes greater harm, substituting istighfar, charity, and supplication.

Three. If Someone Was Unknowingly Affected By a Sin You Committed, Do You Have to Seek Forgiveness Directly From That Person? — Ustadh Tabraze Azam: Sincere repentance suffices where the affected party is unaware and disclosure would cause harm.

Four. How to Repent When It Involves Rights of Others? — Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat: Sets out three-part repentance, makes direct apology conditional on not worsening matters, and warns against scrupulous over-worry.

Courses for Further Study

Every course here is free, each has a named teacher, and you can put your questions to the teacher as you study.

One. Renewal by the Book: Daily Qur’an Tafsir Based on Imam Ghazali’s Ihya — Shaykh Faraz Rabbani: Verses chosen by Imam Ghazali on purification, remembrance, and repentance, explained for daily practice.

Two. 30 Sacred Acts to Transform the Heart — Shaykh Faraz Rabbani: Thirty simple deeds, drawn from the Prophet’s character, for mending your relations with Allah and with others.

Three. Quran: The Fatiha and Short Suras Explained in Depth — Shaykh Faraz Rabbani: The meanings of the suras recited most often, with reflections on living them each day.

النصوص · Source-Texts

[البخاري] «مَنْ كَانَتْ لَهُ مَظْلِمَةٌ لِأَخِيهِ مِنْ عِرْضِهِ أَوْ شَيْءٍ مِنْهُ الْيَوْمَ قَبْلَ أَنْ لَا يَكُونَ دِينَارٌ وَلَا دِرْهَمٌ إِنْ كَانَ لَهُ عَمَلٌ صَالِحٌ أُخِذَ مِنْهُ بِقَدْرِ مَظْلِمَتِهِ وَإِنْ لَمْ يَكُنْ لَهُ حَسَنَاتٌ أُخِذَ مِنْ سَيِّئَاتِ صَاحِبِهِ فَحُمِلَ عَلَيْهِ»

[مسلم] «دعوةُ الْمُسْلِمِ لِأَخِيهِ بِظَهْرِ الْغَيْبِ مُسْتَجَابَةٌ عِنْدَ رَأْسِهِ مَلَكٌ مُوَكَّلٌ كُلَّمَا دَعَا لِأَخِيهِ بِخَيْرٍ قَالَ الْمَلَكُ الْمُوَكَّلُ بِهِ: آمِينَ وَلَكَ بِمِثْلٍ»