Do I Commit Two Sins If I Defy My Parents in Something Already Haram?

Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Question

I read that it is not obligatory to obey parents in purely personal matters, “as long as that does not lead to neglecting duties or committing prohibitions.” If an adult child is making a purely personal choice, and the parents explicitly tell them not to do it, but doing it would lead to neglecting a duty or committing something already prohibited by Allah, does the child incur two separate sins, one for the underlying violation and another for disobeying the parents? Or is the child only sinful for the underlying violation?

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Merciful and Compassionate.

The haram act, or the neglected duty, is one sin owed to Allah. If you do it after your parents have clearly forbidden it, and your defiance hurts them, you have also wronged them. That second wrong is disobedience to parents (uquq), a right of theirs separate from the right of Allah. If they never knew or were not really hurt, the sin is the act alone.

Two Rights, Not One

Your parents’ word does not make the haram more haram. It was already binding on you. What their word adds is a second right: their right not to be grieved by their child.

The Hanafi scholars define disobedience as that hurt. Imam Khadimi (Allah have mercy on him), relaying Imam Nawawi (Allah have mercy on him) and Ibn al-Salah (Allah have mercy on him), writes, “Disobedience is anything by which a parent is hurt in a way that is not slight, while it is not among the obligatory acts.” [Khadimi, al-Bariqa al-Mahmudiyya] A sin is never an obligatory act. And to watch your child do the very thing you warned him about, out of fear for his religion, is rarely a slight hurt.

Ibn Hajar al-Haytami (Allah have mercy on him), of the Shafiʿi school, gives the same measure. The disobedience that is an enormity is “that he causes them, or one of them, a hurt that is not slight, by custom.” [Ibn Hajar al-Haytami, al-Zawajir an Iqtiraf al-Kabair]

Their Wish Carries Weight

The obedience owed to parents extends beyond avoiding sin. Imam Ghazali (Allah have mercy on him) writes, “Most scholars hold that obeying parents is obligatory in doubtful matters, even if it is not in what is purely unlawful,” because “leaving the doubtful is scrupulousness, while the pleasure of parents is binding.” [Ghazali, Ihya Ulum al-Din]

If their pleasure binds you in what is merely doubtful, it binds you all the more when they ask you to keep away from what Allah Himself forbade. Here, Allah and your parents are asking the same thing of you.

Allah Most High says, “Never say ‘Faugh!’ to them or rebuff them harshly; But speak to them respectful words of honor.” [Quran 17:23; Keller, The Quran Beheld]

What to Do Now

One. Repent to Allah from the act itself: regret it, stop, and resolve not to return.

Two. If your parents were hurt, mend it with them. The early Hanbali jurist Abu Bakr (Allah have mercy on him), relayed by Imam Saffarini (Allah have mercy on him), said, “Whoever angers his parents and makes them weep should go back and make them laugh.” [Saffarini, Ghidha al-Albab] One sincere apology, followed by steady kindness, does this. You need not keep returning to it.

Three. Do not confess to them a sin they never knew of. Allah has veiled it. Repent between you and Him.

The principle, then: the act is a wrong against Allah, and grieving your parents is a wrong against them. Repentance answers the first, and gentle repair answers the second. Turn to Allah today, and let your parents see more warmth from you this week than last. May Allah make you the comfort of their eyes, and them the source of your Paradise.

And Allah knows best.

Faraz Rabbani

Related Answers

• Is Obedience to Parents Necessary When Sin Is Involved? — Parents are not to be disobeyed in leaving the obligatory or doing the unlawful, yet gentleness with them remains owed.
• When May Parents Be Disobeyed, and How? — The limits of obedience and why disrespect is never permitted.
• What Constitutes Disobeying One’s Parents (‘Uquq al-Walidayn)? — Disobedience that does not clearly offend is not sinful.
•  Should I Stop Excessively Asking My Parents for Forgiveness? — When to apologize and when to turn to Allah instead.