What Can I Do if My Parents Do Not Accept the Person I Want to Marry?

Question:  I am really in love with a kind-hearted, pious gentleman whom my parents are not accepting. His parents are divorced and remarried to other partners, and he is not wealthy. What should I do?

Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are going through this pain and frustration with your parents. It is never easy to convince your parents when they feel they know what is best for you. I pray that you come to a compromise.

 

Two options

Your options are very simple but difficult. You might wind up hurting someone either way. Your first option is to persist with your parents, even if it takes time. You will have to be patient, kind, maintain good etiquette and character, and pray every step of the way. Ask Allah to facilitate the matter for you and let them get to know the man. You may face rejection, but at least you tried instead of wondering if you tried hard enough.

Your second option is to trust your parents, walk away, and not look back. Moving on will be difficult, but possible, and every day is easier than the last. Know that marriage is an institution that you enter into for the sake of Allah, and it should be easy and blessed from beginning to end. If you are already facing the obstacle of consent, without which you cannot marry, then perhaps you should reconsider the whole thing.

 

The reality of financial constraints

I want to mention that numerous couples that I know have split due to financial problems, so it seems to me that your parents are protecting you from a very big problem in the future that they foresee, but you do not. Living in a situation where there never seems to be enough money for school fees, groceries, and good quality items or services takes a huge toll on health, spirituality, and marriage. Your parents genuinely understand this, so try to see it from their perspective.

Can your suitor go back to school, or can he change his career, or get more training? Can he get higher education in order to better support you? Please consider these options.

 

Istikhara

Before deciding whether to pursue or not, pray the Prayer of Seeking Guidance (istikhara) about what to do. Also, pray the Prayer of Need:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/istikhara-the-prayer-of-seeking-guidance/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/how-does-one-perform-the-prayer-of-need-salat-al-haja/

 

Prepare yourself

It is very easy to get married but not easy to be a good wife. My advice to all single Muslims, such as yourself, is to take a free course at Seekers on Islamic Marriage so that you can learn your rights and responsibilities and act accordingly. Preparing oneself for marriage is the greatest thing that you can give your spouse, and I hope that Allah sends you what is best for you and that you place your trust in Him.

May Allah give you tawfiq, ease, and happiness in your marriage process, with whomever it may be. Please see this course:
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

 

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.