Should I Stay Engaged to a Fiancé Whose Online Conduct I Cannot Trust?
Hanafi Fiqh
Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Question
I’m engaged and deeply torn about whether to walk away. I caught my fiancé messaging other women and discovered a suspicious second account under his name. He gave excuses, swore on the Quran that he didn’t cheat, and demanded I never bring it up again. Yet whenever I try to express my hurt, he breaks promises, hangs up, blocks me, and ignores my tears.
I chose him because I wanted a marriage rooted in deen, and I’ve prayed istikhara repeatedly. But how should I weigh an oath on the Quran against actions that show no remorse or empathy? I feel broken and afraid I’ll never find genuine loyalty, torn between the faint hope that he’s changed and the urge to leave for the sake of my faith and wellbeing.
Answer
In the Name of Allah, the Merciful and Compassionate.
Wa alaykum al-salam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
You’ve been hurt and then told never to speak of the hurt again, and that is serious.
First: Can an Engagement Be Ended?
It is permissible for you to end this engagement, and you don’t have to prove what he did first or why you don’t want to proceed.
This is because an engagement is a promise, not yet a marriage. [Qari, Mirqat al-Mafatih Sharh Mishkat al-Masabih]
Consider carefully, and judge him by his overall religious and worldly uprightness, which you can learn quietly from mature people who know him well, not by one incident or one oath. Also, look to the company they keep, and how they actually spend their time.
Look at His Religion and Character Together
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) told families to accept a suitor “whose religion and character you are pleased with.” [Tirmidhi] Both religious concern (din) and good character (husn al-khuluq–which is manifest in testing situations.
Religion (din) refers to “religious concern” and caring for what is right, and having humility in accepting the trust. It is more than seeming devout.
And good character (husn al-khuluq) is manifest most in conflict, testing situations, or things that the person would find upsetting.
Weigh what you have experienced, not only what you found online. A man who sees you crying and goes to sleep, blocks you, and breaks promises whenever you raise a concern may well be showing you how he will respond to hard moments in a marriage.
Ask Mature People Who Know Him, Privately
He has given his side of the story, and asking him again won’t settle things.
Instead, have a trusted elder in your family quietly ask mature, upright people who know him well.
SeekersGuidance and al-Maqasid scholar, Shaykh Yusuf Weltch, advises asking “those who have spent time, travelled, or done business with this person.” Ask about his prayer, his honesty, and his temper now.
The people you ask owe you the truth. When someone’s advice is sought about a prospective spouse, it is their moral duty to tell you the truth about them–and this includes whether they have any active sins or addictions, such as sinful internet usage.
This is not spying. Allah Most High says: “Shun much of suspicion: Verily some suspicion is heinous sin; Nor pry into the private matters of others.” [Quran 49:12; Keller, The Quran Beheld] Don’t search his accounts or dig for his past sins. Ask about his present character and conduct, and keep what you hear to yourself, now and in the future.
His Oath Doesn’t Decide for You
Whether he swore truthfully is between him and Allah. In the Hanafi school, an oath must be sworn by Allah, and swearing by the Quran alone isn’t enough, as I’ve explained elsewhere.
Even a sound oath would speak only to the past; it can’t tell you whether you can build a home with him. For a ruling on the oath itself, ask a scholar in person.
Prepare Well, Then Decide
Before you decide, take our free courses, Keys to Successful Muslim Marriages and Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage.
Your fear of never finding a loyal man is real, but it is not a reason to stay.
Allah Most High says: “And it may well be that you hate something, and it is better for you, and may well be that you love something, and it is worse for you; And Allah well knows, and you know not.” [Quran 2:216; Keller, The Quran Beheld]
And Allah knows best.
Faraz Rabbani
Related Answers
One. What Matters Most in Selecting a Future Husband? — Shaykh Yusuf Weltch: The Prophetic criteria of religion and character, and vetting a suitor through people who have traveled or worked with him.
Two. How Much Should I Reveal When Asked About the Character of a Prospective Spouse? — Ustadha Sulma Badrudduja: Why those asked about a suitor must disclose ongoing habits honestly while keeping past sins hidden.
Three. Can One Swear By the Quran By Placing One’s Hand Over It? — Shaykh Faraz Rabbani: The Hanafi position that an oath must be by Allah, not by the Quran alone.
Four. How Can I Determine How Religious My Future Spouse Should Be? — Ustadha Shazia Ahmad: What to be firm on, and what to overlook, when weighing a suitor’s religion and character.
«النصوص» · Source-Texts
[الترمذي، سنن الترمذي]
«إذا خطب إليكم من ترضون دينه وخلقه فزوجوه، إلا تفعلوا تكن فتنة في الأرض وفساد عريض»
Shaykh Faraz Rabbani is a recognized specialist scholar in the Islamic sciences, having studied under leading scholars from around the world. He is the Founder and Executive Director of SeekersGuidance.Shaykh Faraz stands as a distinguished figure in Islamic scholarship. His journey in seeking knowledge is marked by dedication and depth. He spent ten years studying under some of the most revered scholars of our times. His initial studies took place in Damascus. He then continued in Amman, Jordan. In Damascus, he was privileged to learn from the late Shaykh Adib al-Kallas. Shaykh Adib al-Kallas was renowned as the foremost theologian of his time. Shaykh Faraz also studied under Shaykh Hassan al-Hindi in Damascus. Shaykh Hassan is recognized as one of the leading Hanafi jurists of our era. Upon completing his studies, Shaykh Faraz returned to Canada in 2007. His return marked a new chapter in his service to the community. He founded SeekersGuidance. The organization reflects his commitment to spreading Islamic knowledge. It aims to be reliable, relevant, inspiring, and accessible. This mission addresses both online and on-the-ground needs. Shaykh Faraz is also an accomplished author. His notable work includes “Absolute Essentials of Islam: Faith, Prayer, and the Path of Salvation According to the Hanafi School.” This book, published by White Thread Press in 2004, is a significant contribution to Islamic literature. His influence extends beyond his immediate community. Since 2011, Shaykh Faraz has been recognized as one of the 500 most influential Muslims. This recognition comes from the Royal Islamic Strategic Studies Center. It underscores his impact on the global Islamic discourse. Shaykh Faraz Rabbani’s life and work embody a profound commitment to Islamic scholarship. His teachings continue to enlighten and guide seekers of knowledge worldwide.
