Conflict Resolution: Anger and Human Nature
This is the fifth in a series of articles on the key principles of dealing with conflict in accordance with the guidance of Allah and His Messenger (peace and blessings be upon him) from the seminar The Prophetic Principles of Conflict Resolution.
One of the most important problems that we have, that requires us to deal with it seriously is the problem of anger. When we are angry, we say things that we are not supposed to say. We do things that we are not supposed to do and a crack remains in our relationship.
The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace), when a man came and asked him, “O Messenger of Allah, give me counsel,” said, “Don’t get angry.” The man said, “O Messenger of Allah, give me counsel.” He said, “Don’t get angry.” [The man said] “O Messenger of Allah Give me counsel.” The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Don’t get angry.”
The way we should understand this hadith is by knowing that Allah said about the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace):
وَمَا یَنطِقُ عَنِ ٱلۡهَوَىٰۤ
إِنْ هُوَ إِلَّا وَحْىٌۭ يُوحَىٰ
“Nor does he speak from mere impulse: Naught is it but a divine inspiration being inspired.” [Quran, 53:3-4; tr. Keller, Quran Beheld]
He does not say things out of his desires. Whatever he says is a divine order. So when The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) gives us a command, can he give us one that we cannot implement? How can that be? Allah told us in the Quran:
قُلۡ إِن كُنتُمۡ تُحِبُّونَ ٱللَّهَ فَٱتَّبِعُونِی یُحۡبِبۡكُمُ ٱللَّهُ
“Say, ‘If you all love Allah, then faithfully follow me, and Allah will greatly love you.” [Quran, 3:31; tr. Keller, Quran Beheld]
So if we have to follow the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace), if implementing his sunna is compulsory, then we have to understand that if controlling anger was not possible, the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) would not command us to do so. He does not ask anything impossible. Allah says:
عَزِيزٌ عَلَيْهِ مَا عَنِتُّمْ حَرِيصٌ عَلَيْكُم بِٱلْمُؤْمِنِينَ رَءُوفٌۭ رَّحِيمٌۭ
“Whom anything that brings you woe weighs grievous on, wholly anxious over you, towards true believers all tender and compassionate.” [Quran, 9:128; tr. Keller, Quran Beheld]
Knowledge and Forbearance
Controlling anger is possible. It is an art. And it is something that we have to follow. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:
إِنَّمَا الْعِلْمُ بِالتَّعَلُّمِ، وَإِنَّمَا الْحِلْمُ بِالتَّحَلُّمِ
Truly, learnedness is from learning and forbearance is from forbearing.
Knowledge is a process and wisdom in controlling ourselves. Changing our manners and behavior is a process. This is one of the main things we have to sort out. Because when we are angry we say things that affect people and they grow up with that. It can affect them for years. You do not know the impact your words can have on someone. Allah says:
وَسَارِعُوٓا۟ إِلَىٰ مَغْفِرَةٍۢ مِّن رَّبِّكُمْ وَجَنَّةٍ عَرْضُهَا ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٰتُ وَٱلْأَرْضُ أُعِدَّتْ لِلْمُتَّقِينَ
“Vie with headlong speed to a mighty forgiveness from your Lord and a tremendous lush-shaded grove of paradise whose breadth is the heavens and earth, prepared for the godfearing.” [Quran, 3:133; tr. Keller, Quran Beheld]
Who are these righteous ones?
ٱلَّذِینَ یُنفِقُونَ فِی ٱلسَّرَّاۤءِ وَٱلضَّرَّاۤءِ وَٱلۡكَـٰظِمِینَ ٱلۡغَیۡظَ وَٱلۡعَافِینَ عَنِ ٱلنَّاسِۗ
“Those who expend in good times and in bad, and who constrain their rage, and who wholly pardon other people.” [Quran 3:134; tr. Keller, Quran Beheld]
That is why the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “The strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger.”
This is what we can say is the prevention.
Understanding Human Nature
Secondly, we ought to understand human nature. Allah says in the Quran:
وَخُلِقَ ٱلْإِنسَـٰنُ ضَعِيفًۭا
“And Man has been created direly weak.” [Quran, 4:28; tr. Keller, Quran Beheld]
Abdullah Ibn Abbas, the Interpreter of the Quran for the companions and the Arabs, said it is their weakness when it comes to their desires. We all have a weakness in one way or another. Allah may have tested you with something that He was not tested another with and another may be tested with something that another was not tested with. We are all tested.
We are all sinners, in one way or another. There is that human weakness that we need to understand. Consider the companion that they brought to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) because he was drunk, he was punished. Then they brought him again and he was punished and then they brought him again.
One of the companions said, “May Allah curse him, when is he going to stop doing this?” The companion was angry for Allah. Look at what the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said to him:“Do not curse him, verily he loves Allah and His Messenger.”
The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) is giving him credit. The man was weak when it comes to this but he loves Allah and His Messenger (Allah bless him and give him peace). You are weak in something and your brother may be weak in something else, so understanding human weakness is very important.
Sometimes we think we are perfect but no one is. Let us have a little bit of humility. We are all sinners and we all make mistakes. When someone makes a mistake, then we have to understand that is human nature. This is how Allah has created us.
