How Can I Help My Mother within My Husband’s Limits?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

My mother, who is ill, wants me and my daughters to stay overnight with her, but my husband is uncomfortable due to non-mahrams (brother-in-law and nephew) having access to the house.

How should I approach this situation while fulfilling my duty to my mother without upsetting her?

Answer

Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration and pray that you can find a good solution that will satisfy both parties. May Allah reward you for listening to your husband while helping your mother.

Husband and Mother

The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:

“If I were to command anyone to prostrate to anyone else, I would have commanded women to prostrate to their husbands. If a man commanded his wife to move (something) from a red mountain to a black mountain, and from a black mountain to a red mountain, her duty is to obey him.” [Ibn Maja]

Allah Most High has told us in the Quran,

“And We have commanded people to (honour) their parents. Their mothers bore them through hardship upon hardship, and their weaning takes two years. So be grateful to Me and your parents. To Me is the final return.” [Quran, 31:14]

As you can see, the rank of both husband and mother is great.

Help How You Can

Since your husband is uncomfortable with you sleeping there, I recommend you do what you can to help your mother at other times of the day. You can tell her that you will come early in the morning to help her, even before she wakes up, but that you must go home at night to keep your affairs in order at home. You might mention that your body/back is accustomed to your mattress and sleeping in different beds doesn’t suit you.

Truth

If you want to tell her the truth, this is commendable, and almost always better, but only do it if it will not cause anger, harm or bitterness. If she is the kind of person who would understand your husband’s reasoning, tell her the truth.

What if you put your heads together and come up with a way to limit the men’s access to the house when you are there? Could you add a manual lock to the front door? Could you change the passcode for your garage? Could your husband sleep there with you as well?

Please see these links as well:

• How Do I Balance Between My Sick Mother and Husband?
• Should I Listen to My Husband or My Mother?
• How to Balance Between Caring for Your Parents and Your Husband?
• Is It Obligatory for Me to Take Care of My In-Laws or Parents?

May Allah give your mother relief and ease, and give you the best of this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.