Question: I have been married for 17 years with 2 children, and we love each other. Recently my husband got diagnosed with prostate cancer, had prostate removal, and is currently under treatment. He is young, and it is hard for him to accept the fact that he became impotent. I told him I will happily spend the rest of my life with him. But he is not happy and would force me to become intimate with him, even though he is incapable. I hate to excite myself. He kicked me out from home once. What should I do?
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are going through this difficult time with your husband, but this will require patience and tact. Every marriage has its ups and downs but you can get through this, by the grace of Allah.
Look For a Medical Solution
Generally speaking, a man usually does recover from his erectile dysfunction after prostate removal. It can take up to two years, but I am not sure if your husband’s surgery was nerve-sparing or not. I would recommend that your husband speaks to his doctor about what possible drugs he can use to help him. 75% of men who use medications are able to achieve erections after prostate removal. Your husband might be in this category so it is very important that he try and learn what he can and see different doctors about this, even if a homeopath, TCM practitioner, or naturopath.
If It Is Not Possible
If, after exhausting all options, (and even before) he is unable to recover his erectile function, you should still be intimate with him when he requests it. Although you may not enjoy getting excited without intercourse, he can certainly bring you to climax, and you can make him feel wanted and loved. It will take some getting used to, but you can do it and you must do it.
Communicate with him how you feel, and remember that your reward in this will be great because of the hardship and suffering that you are both enduring. Never get angry, never show dissatisfaction. Be positive, loving, and cheerful. Please see this link for more information:
Turn To Allah
There is nothing difficult for Allah, so you should turn to Him and ask Him to help you through this. You and your husband should worship Allah in the best way that you can and ask Him to place tranquility and blessings in your life. Allah is able to remove your suffering, stress, and problems, and He can do this for whomever He wills. Ask him through the Prayer of Need, and read some Qur’an every day with the meaning. By His grace, your situation and improve and you will both be content with His decree. Be sincere and give what you can of yourself. Allah will see every particle of your efforts.
Please see this link as well:
May Allah reward you, make you patient and give you better that you didn’t think possible. And may Allah reward you for standing by his side and may He send you help always in your time of need.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.