Question: I am a 24-year-old British man who got married 4 months ago in Bangladesh. I have been going through depression since I felt like I got pressured in getting married. I have been feeling very stressed and I am back in the UK now after my marriage. She sends me photos on occasions and I just don’t find her attractive in any way. I feel it’s my parent’s stupidity that led me to this because they didn’t even let me see the girl. My own mother agrees she is not that pretty but says I should be grateful because she is at least at my level of looks and I shouldn’t dream too high. I am really slowly starting to hate my parents for not giving me the option of seeing her before getting married. She has a good heart but she not attractive. I have married her now so I can’t undo this.
Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you have gone through this hardship and unfairness. It is an established sunnah to see the girl before marriage for this very reason.
Seeing the girl first
Please see these links about the sunnah of seeing a girl before marriage and why it was encouraged by the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace:
Hating your parents
As for hating your parents, your blame is misplaced. You are responsible for your decision and you should have insisted on seeing the girl. You should have followed the sunnah, no matter how much your parents objected, and you should have known that it is the sunnah to see her. If you are a man that is responsible enough to care for a woman and provide her with a home and children, are you not man enough to insist on looking at her once? In addition to this, did you prepare for marriage? Did you take a course? Do you know your rights and obligations? If not, then you must learn them now.
I know it seems like your world is collapsing around you, but I guarantee you that you will be all right. A woman’s beauty shines through from many different things and I believe this girl’s heart might win you over. Good character, kindness, her smile, her goodness toward you will go a long way and will not fade away with time. Intimacy will also help a great deal. After she is living with you, you can also encourage her to dress up, wear make-up, send her to a Muslim salon to get her hair done, all of these things help. Consider taking this course:
Trust in Allah, rely on Him, and look forward to a happy life with her. I ask Allah to give you every success and goodness and a marriage filled with iman, taqwa, and blessings.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.