Does Comparing My Wife to a Divorcee Count as Divorce?

Answered by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick

Question

Soon after our wedding, my wife planned to stay at her parents’ house, and I said in jest, “Why are you sleeping alone at your parents’ house?

That’s divorcee behavior.” I did not call her a divorcee, and I had no intention of divorce. Is this a divorce, or a divorce conditional on her staying there?

Answer

In the name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate.

There was no divorce, nor was a conditional divorce granted. Your marriage is unaffected. Let this matter rest, and do not worry about it anymore.

Why These Words Do Not Affect Divorce

Words that effect divorce are of two kinds. Plain words (sarih) expressly pronounce divorce upon the wife, and these take effect whether one intends divorce or not.

Allusive words (kinaya) hint at severance, “you are free,” “you are separated,” “go back to your family”, and these take effect only when the husband intends divorce by them. [Nawawi, Minhaj al-Talibin; Misri, Umdat al-Salik]

Your words were neither a direct nor an indirect way of pronouncing divorce. You did not say she was divorced, nor did you suggest she was separated from you. You only made a comparison about behavior, not about her as a person.

Even if your words were seen as a weak hint, it would not matter without the intention to divorce, and you have clearly said you had no such intention. Your statement about your intention is accepted. [Nawawi, al-Majmuʿ Sharh al-Muhadhdhab]

A conditional divorce only happens if someone clearly says something like, “if you do this, you are divorced.” You did not say anything like that. No condition was made, so her staying at her parents’ house does not affect your marriage.

Joking in Divorce

The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Three things are always taken seriously whether said seriously or in jest: marriage (nikah), divorce (talaq), and taking back (raj‘a).” [Abu Dawud; Tirmidhi; Ibn Maja]

The hadith states that if a man actually utters words of divorce, he cannot afterward say that he was only joking; it does not mean that a statement which is not a divorce becomes one. As you never said any words of divorce, the hadith does not apply in your case.

Principle and Practical Guidance

The rule is that a marriage which has been definitely established remains even if there is any doubt about it; since nothing at all has taken place that could be described as a divorce, no change has occurred.

There are two things you should do. First, let this issue go. Do not go over your words again, do not repeat them to see what happens, and do not look for another opinion just to ease a worry that has no real reason.

This only leads to unnecessary doubts (waswasa), and the best way to deal with them is to ignore them completely. Second, since you meant to say you prefer being together, tell your wife that directly. It will express your feelings better than a joke.

And Allah (Most High) knows best.

[Shaykh] Irshaad Sedick
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Irshaad Sedick was raised in South Africa in a traditional Muslim family. He graduated from Dar al-Ulum al-Arabiyyah al-Islamiyyah in Strand, Western Cape, under the guidance of the late world-renowned scholar Shaykh Taha Karaan (Allah have mercy on him), where he taught.

Shaykh Irshaad received Ijaza from many luminaries of the Islamic world, including Shaykh Taha Karaan, Shaykh Muhammad Awama, Shaykh Muhammad Hasan Hitu, and Mawlana Abdul Hafeez Makki, among others.

He is the author of the text “The Musnad of Ahmad ibn Hanbal: A Hujjah or not?” He has been the Director of the Discover Islam Centre, and for six years, he has been the Khatib of Masjid Ar-Rashideen, Mowbray, Cape Town.

Shaykh Irshaad has fifteen years of teaching experience at some of the leading Islamic institutes in Cape Town). He is currently building an Islamic podcast, education, and media platform called ‘Isnad Academy’ and has completed his Master’s degree in the study of Islam at the University of Johannesburg. He has a keen interest in healthy Prophetic living and fitness.