Parents Rejecting The Man I Love Due To Ethnicity


Question: I want to get married to a converted man that I love. If my parents don’t approve because he’s not Pakistani can I still marry him since in Islam there is no racism due to ethnicity? Also if they don’t have a valid reason to reject him, such as his character or whatever, would it be possible to have nikah without them? I am almost 28 years old.
Answer:

Assalamu alaykum,Thank you for your question. I pray that you are able to overcome these obstacles with your parents and communicate with them openly and honestly. This is the best way forward for you.

No secret marriages

Having a secret marriage is a grave mistake and tremendously disrespectful to parents. It betrays their trust and shows dishonour and disrespect to your potential spouse and their parents. It also is contrary to the Prophetic command of making marriages public and open. Please see these links for more details:
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/can-i-marry-without-my-parents-consent-and-knowledge/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/valid-marry-secret/
https://seekersguidance.org/answers/hanafi-fiqh/can-marry-secret-minimum-conditions-valid-marriage-order-avoid-fornication/

The right way

If you really love him and find him suitable to you and your family, and you love Allah and His Messenger, then I suggest that you not follow your lust, but take the path of fortitude. Speak to your parents about his character, have them meet him, and seek their permission with love and respect to marrying him, even if they want to take some time to do it. Give them a chance to get to know him as well.

He should come to your home, with some Muslim elders or an imam or other Muslim friends, with a serious proposal that they cannot ignore. This will show them that he is serious and that he is willing to take this honest and honourable route with you.

Communicate with your parents openly and honestly, with respect and love, and tell them how deeply important this is to you. Promise them that you will fulfill your obligations according to religion, as a daughter, wife, and mother, and it will be much easier to do it with their pleasure and acceptance. Tell them that you need them on your side and that you can’t do this alone.

Istikhara

Last, but not least, no big decision should ever be taken without praying istikhara. Reach out to your Lord to seek guidance on marrying him and put your feelings aside. Follow your istikhara and choose him for religion, and in sha Allah, you will be successful. In the meanwhile, be sure that you both take a course on marriage to learn your rights and obligations. Never enter into a marriage contract without being fully prepared. I pray that Allah gives you the best in this world and the next.
https://seekersguidance.org/courses/marriage-in-islam-practical-guidance-for-successful-marriage/

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.