Conflict Resolution in Marriage: The Pillars of Marriage – Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
This is the second of a series of articles based on the On-Demand Course Conflict Resolution in Marriage. This course delves into the Islamic guidance on resolving marital conflicts, drawing insights from the Quran, the Sunna of the Prophet Muhammad (Allah bless him and give him peace), scholarly wisdom, and contemporary perspectives.
The Essence of Marriage
Marriage is a union that transcends the mere physical and delves into the profound depths of the human experience. The human being, composed of a body, soul, self, heart, and consciousness, finds fulfillment in various aspects of life. Marriage, as an institution, offers a unique opportunity to address the emptiness at every level of our humanity. From physical desires to emotional, social, and spiritual needs, marriage facilitates a profound state of sakina—serenity, repose, and solace.
Physical Desires: A Test and a Blessing
At the physical level, human beings are driven by desires, which are integral to survival and reproduction. These desires, while necessary, are also a test from Allah. Will we restrain ourselves within the bounds of what is permissible? Will we express gratitude for the blessings we have?
Unfulfilled or misdirected desires often lead to discontent and actions displeasing to Allah. Marriage offers a lawful and fulfilling avenue to satisfy these needs, creating a harmonious balance in life. Outside the framework of marriage, physical desires often remain less fulfilled over a lifetime. The emotional, social, and even spiritual fulfillment that marriage offers is unparalleled.
The Multi-Dimensional Solace of Marriage
Marriage provides comfort beyond the physical. It fulfills emotional and social needs, offering companionship through life’s tests and tribulations. This companionship is not limited to the fleeting pleasures of this world but extends to the hereafter. A righteous marriage, grounded in faith and mutual respect, becomes a source of sakinah in both realms.
For instance, the emotional void of loneliness, prevalent among those who remain unpartnered, is alleviated through the bond of marriage. Socially, marriage fosters a sense of responsibility, making it less likely for individuals to err or stray from a purposeful life.
The Pillars of a Successful Marriage
Allah provides guidance on the pillars of a successful marriage through the Quran. He says:
“And among His signs is that He created for you from yourselves spouses that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.” [Quran, 30:21]
The two primary pillars of a successful marriage, as highlighted in this verse, are:
- Mawadda (Tender Love):
Mawadda is not just intense or passionate love (hubb), but a deeper, more caring, and sustained form of affection. It is love that settles in the heart like a valley—stable and enduring, even through life’s trials. This tender love arises from a deep understanding and appreciation of the spouse as a blessing, a test, and an opportunity to seek Allah’s pleasure. - Rahma (Mercy):
Mercy in marriage is an intentional concern for the good of one’s spouse. It is not accidental but arises from the deep love and commitment one has for their partner. Mercy involves not just care but action—responding to the spouse’s needs and seeking their well-being. Together, Mawadda and Rahma complement each other, forming the foundation of a strong and harmonious relationship.
Practical Sunnas to Foster Love and Mercy
The Sunna of the Prophet Muhammad (Allah bless him and give him peace) offers timeless guidance on nurturing marital bonds. Simple acts of love and care can strengthen the foundation of marriage and prepare it to weather challenges. Some examples include:
- Greeting one another warmly upon arriving home.
- Dressing up and grooming oneself for one’s spouse.
- Sharing thoughtful gifts or gestures of kindness.
- Walking a spouse to the door when they leave and welcoming them back home.
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) exemplified these practices. He would groom himself before returning home and treated his spouse with utmost kindness and respect. Following such Sunnas not only reinforces the bond of love but also fosters mutual appreciation.
Investing in Marriage to Overcome Disputes
The more effort and care invested in a marriage, the stronger the bond becomes. This strength is crucial when disputes arise. A relationship rooted in love and mercy is better equipped to navigate disagreements constructively rather than destructively. By continually nurturing the marital bond, couples can prevent minor issues from escalating into major conflicts.
Intentions in Marriage
Entering marriage with a clear and sincere intention is essential. For believers, marriage is not just a personal relationship but a means to seek the pleasure of Allah. As such, the intention should go beyond personal preferences or societal pressures. For instance, some may marry for superficial reasons, such as convenience or cultural expectations. However, the primary intention should be to fulfill the divine purpose of companionship, love, and mercy, all for the sake of Allah.
If challenges arise, renewing one’s intention can help realign the relationship with its higher purpose. Just as believers strive to return to the straight path when they stray, couples must renew their commitment to uphold the values of love and mercy in marriage.
Living in Goodness
Allah provides a clear directive in the Quran regarding marital relationships: “Live with them in kindness, or part with them in kindness” [Quran, 4:19]. This guidance offers a stark choice—either strive to live together with mutual respect and goodness or separate amicably. The worst scenario is remaining in a “miserable middle,” where neither commitment to improvement nor a decision to part ways is made.
Living in goodness entails not only fulfilling one’s responsibilities but also maintaining tender love and care. This includes treating one’s spouse with compassion, patience, and understanding, even during disagreements. Striving for goodness is not for the sake of the spouse alone but, more importantly, to seek Allah’s pleasure.
Tender Love and Care: The Keys to Tranquility
The Quran describes the foundation of marriage as one of Mawadda (affection) and Rahma (mercy). These qualities are not limited to actions but should also be reflected in responses to challenges. For instance, even when one’s spouse falls short of expectations, striving to uphold love and mercy can bring about positive change. The motivation for such efforts should always stem from a desire to please Allah rather than mere reciprocation.
When disputes arise, reflecting on the practical benefits of marriage can help couples find clarity. Considering life without one’s spouse—physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually—often highlights the importance of working through difficulties rather than giving up.
Balancing Closeness and Privacy
While marriage fosters closeness, maintaining a balance between shared responsibilities and individual privacy is essential. Respect for each other’s space allows for a healthy relationship. For example, one spouse may have personal preferences or hobbies that the other does not fully understand, but these differences should be respected rather than criticized.
Similarly, managing financial matters with wisdom and clarity can prevent misunderstandings. Providing one’s spouse with a personal allowance or discretionary funds fosters appreciation and avoids unnecessary disputes over shared resources.
A Journey Toward Serenity
Marriage is a journey of solace and serenity, but achieving this requires effort and commitment. By viewing marriage as a blessing and renewing one’s intentions regularly, couples can navigate challenges with a sense of purpose. Upholding love, mercy, and kindness—whether through actions, words, or attitudes—helps strengthen the bond and ensures that the relationship remains a source of tranquility.
As Sura Rum reminds us, marriage is a multitude of signs for those who reflect. Let us reflect deeply on these divine teachings, strive to embody the Sunnas of love and mercy, and seek Allah’s pleasure in our marital relationships. Through this, we can transform our marriages into a means of attaining both worldly happiness and eternal reward.
