I am ashamed before you
I claim to love you but I do not know you
My heart yearns to see you, to be near you
But I am not worthy of that honor
Because I still do not know you.
I have met people that have less than me in material knowledge
Their hearts filled with passion
And they are possessed with a saintly madness
and a level of drunkenness from their salawat upon you that places me in awe of them
They have been given such a deep love for you and an understanding that places me at their feet to learn from and gain from their spiritual insights
It humbles me, and I am ashamed
I have sat at the feet of your grandchildren and have drank from their knowledge
I tried to grasp a piece of their states… but I still have not realized them nor their states
I have been struggling trying to find a place with them
Wishing they would just take me by the hand and love me
Taking me to the spiritual realm of my inner self and beyond
Taking me to the spiritual springs so that my soul may be purified
My heart cleansed and emptied that I may have it filled with more love of you
So that even when its tongue companion is not moving asking Allah to bless you the heart still is…
For years I have been looking for a guide, I have been looking for someone to take me to Allah
Allah has placed me before you
He has placed me in your Ummah
And I still have yet to realize the gift of being selected
I have been treacherous in my saying that there is no god but Allah when my actions are rebellious to what the tongue has professed
To love Allah is to love you ya Sayyidi
And if I cannot truly love you I am truly lost
Ya Sayyidi Ya Sayyidi
I try to recite the litanies prescribed to send blessings upon you
But I feel as though its done with a pseudo intention of seeing you and asking you for guidance
To feel special as though I have arrived
What a fool I have become to think this could happen when I cannot maintain the awakening of the dawn!
Where is the reality of the love I claim to have of you!?
Where is my inner understanding?
why am I veiled from you?
Where is my yearning?
I have done nothing with this gift He has given me
I am a poor representative of your path
I want to know you!
I want to know the essence that is you and to live it!
You are the key to understanding life
Your example has been made plain and there is no argument of that
I pray that I am blessed with a love for you that is complete and filled with a perfected certainty
Such that I am able to witness you with my hearts eye
That I can be blessed with felicity
My eyes well with tears
I am ashamed!
About the Author
Shaykh Jamal is a SeekersGuidance instructor. Shaykh Jamal accepted Islam in 1992 in Chicago, Illinois. He has a degree in Political Science from Southern Illinois University, and has studied Islamic studies in Damascus, Syria for 3 years. In 1995 he studied for 2 years at Abu Nur Islamic Institute and 1 year at the University of Damascus Language program for Foreigners. In 1995 Ustath Jamal moved to Tarim, Yemen and studied in Dar Al-Mustafa for 5 years. He returned to the US in 2003 and began an Islamic studies program that lasted for 1 year, and held courses in Fiqh, the 40 hadith, and beginning Arabic around the Atlanta area.
Shaykh Jamal was in the Dominican Republic, where he was working in calling people to Allah and helping to develop the Muslim community in Santo Domingo. He was the Imam of Masjid Al-Hidayyah in Santiago for a year and a half prior to his return to the US. Shaykh has lectured in the UK and Latin America, and taught at Islamic retreats and various classes in the Atlanta area.