What Questions Should I Ask Someone I Intend to Marry?
Answered By Shaykh Dr. Muhammad Fayez Awad
Question
What questions should I ask someone I intend to marry?
Answer
All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds. Blessings and peace be upon the Messenger of Allah, his Family, and his Companions.
The Muslim family is among the best institutions Islam emphasizes the existence, care, and preservation of because the Muslim community is essentially a collection of these families. The strength and advancement of the societal structure depend on the strong and sound presence of the family.
While choosing a righteous wife is necessary and important because she is the first school for the offspring, choosing a husband is equally important. The husband is the head of the family, a role model for both the wife and children and the captain of the ship in the turbulent sea of life.
Allah (Most High) says:
“And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy.” [Quran, 30:21]
Choosing a husband is as important as choosing a wife because the foundation of a new family in society is based on both choices. Due to the importance of this nucleus, Islam has paid great attention to establishing the correct criterion for choosing both spouses. This criterion, known to the scholars of Islamic jurisprudence, is the condition of compatibility between the spouses.
Criteria for Choosing a Husband
The diligent scholars have agreed that the criterion for choosing a husband or compatibility is represented in religion, meaning piety and righteousness. The wisdom behind this primary criterion for choosing a husband is that piety and righteousness are among the greatest virtues, and the righteous, pious people disdain to marry the impious.
The scholars have based this criterion on both the Quran and the Sunna. From the Quran, Allah (Most High) says:
“O humanity! Indeed, We created you from a male and a female and made you into peoples and tribes so that you may (get to) know one another. Surely, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous among you. Allah is truly All-Knowing, All-Aware.” [Quran, 49:13]
From the Sunna, the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:
“If someone comes to you whose religion and character you are pleased with, then marry him. If you do not, there will be fitna (temptation) on earth and widespread corruption.” They said: “O Messenger of Allah! What if there was something about him (undesirable)?” He (Allah bless him and give him peace) said: “If someone comes to you whose religion and character you are pleased with, then marry him” three times. [Tirmidhi; Bayhaqi]
A woman has the right to consider qualities that help ensure a stable and good marital life. There is no harm in rejecting a suitor, even if he is religious, if he is not socially suitable for her, or if she does not feel comfortable with him and does not wish to marry him. What is condemned in Islamic law is marrying a man solely for his wealth, position, lineage, or job if he does not have an acceptable religion and character.
Islamic law encourages a woman to choose a man of good character and religion because life cannot be stable with someone of weak faith or bad character. “Religion and character” are two main qualities that each party should ensure exist in the other.
Ibn Abi al-Dunya reported that a man said to Hasan: “I have a daughter who has been proposed to; whom should I marry her to?” He said: “Marry her to one who fears Allah. If he loves her, he will honor her, and if he dislikes her, he will not wrong her.”
Sha‘bi said: “Whoever marries his daughter to a dissolute man has cut off her kinship.”
Therefore, it is important to strive to choose a suitable man who possesses good character, correct religion, and the ability to bear responsibility, protect the woman, maintain her dignity, and fulfill all her rights.
There are also qualities and characteristics that should be considered when marrying, in addition to religion and character. Among the most important are psychological comfort, intellectual compatibility, social and financial similarity, good appearance, proximity in age, similarity in environment, customs and traditions, and freedom from congenital defects. These aspects, if sought, help maintain lasting companionship and continued affection.
Importance of This Criterion
The importance of choosing a husband based on piety stems from the fact that it relies on stable foundations that do not change with life’s circumstances. Piety, in the sense of righteousness and morals, are qualities that, once a person possesses them, remain with them throughout their life, regardless of the challenges they face. This is in contrast to other matters, such as wealth, which is always subject to change, from increase to decrease and perhaps even to complete loss. In fact, piety and good morals are a protective shield for a person against the vicissitudes of time that affect other matters. If a person suffers a financial downturn, piety is the best aid in overcoming such a hardship.
Some educators have compiled questions that a woman can use to determine her compatibility with a suitor who wishes to marry her. It is important to note that the couple should not be in seclusion together as long as the marriage contract has not been conducted:
1. How Committed Are You to Your Religion?
How do you recognize and assess religious commitment? The most important thing to look for is piety. The more you get to know the other party, the easier and simpler the decision to choose becomes.
2. What Are Your Future Ambitions and Goals in Life?
Everyone has a wish they strive to achieve, whether in the social, religious, familial, or academic field. At the beginning of the acquaintance between the suitor and the intended bride, it is important that their future vision is clear. The clearer the vision, the fewer conflicts will arise between the spouses in the future. Does the suitor focus on the past, the present, or the future? Does he always focus on one of these aspects? The correct approach is to learn from the past, work for the present, and plan for the future.
3. What Is Your Concept of Marriage?
Is it about having children, or is it about trips and outings, or something else? This question is crucial for both parties to get to know each other better.
One married woman says: “I was surprised when I discovered that my husband’s concept of marriage was merely about fulfilling his sexual desires. As for me, I received no respect or appreciation, and all the responsibilities were placed on me.” The husband says: “I was surprised when I learned that my wife’s concept of marriage was just about having children. We are always in conflict, and to this day, Allah has not blessed us with a child.”
Understanding the concept of marriage for both parties and discussing it is one of the things that helps ensure future familial stability.
4. What Qualities Do You Wish to See in Your Life Partner?
It is beautiful for a person to talk about their feelings, likes, and dislikes. Even more beautiful is having such a conversation before marriage between the suitor and the intended bride so that each party can judge if the other is suitable for them. We refer to likes and dislikes in terms of behavior, morals, habits, food preferences, hobbies, and so on.
5. Do You Consider It Necessary to Have a Child in the First Year of Marriage?
Some might think this question is unimportant, but many cases of separation and divorce have occurred due to this issue, especially if the husband or wife’s families start pressuring the couple about having children. However, the couple should agree on this matter and not let it become a cause of marital problems in the future. We are not saying that it is better to have children in the first year or to delay; this matter should be left to the agreement of the engaged couple.
6. Do You Have Any Health Problems or Congenital Defects?
There is no doubt that knowing about any diseases the other party might have, God forbid, affects the marriage decision. Concealing an illness from the other party is considered deceit in the marriage contract, so this must be clear between both parties.
Zayd Ibn Ka‘b Ibn ‘Ujra reported from his father that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) married a woman from Banu Ghifar. When she came to him and took off her clothes, he saw a white spot (of leprosy) around her waist area. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said to her: “Put your clothes back on and return to your family,” and he ordered that she be given her dowry. [Hakim]
7. Are You Sociable? Who Are Your Friends?
Social relationships are among the most prominent features of a person. It is important for a person to be naturally sociable, love and be loved. During the acquaintance phase, it is crucial to understand the social aspect of the other party, such as knowing who their friends are and the strength of their relationships. Is the person sociable or introverted?
8. How Is Your Relationship with Your Parents, Siblings, and Relatives?
Understanding the relationship of the suitor or intended bride with their parents and family is extremely important. As it is often said, marriage is not just a contract between two individuals but a contract between two families. The husband will not live with his wife alone, isolated from the world around them; they will live together, and the better the relationship with the parents, the more Allah will bless the marriage and grant success to the family.
9. How Do You Spend Your Free Time? What Are Your Hobbies?
Knowing how a person likes to spend their free time provides insight into their personality, ambition, life goals, and future outlook. It reflects their personality and character.
10. What is your opinion on whether my mother or your mother interferes in our personal life?
This question should be asked by the person intending to get engaged to understand each other’s perspective on this matter and how sensitive it is to them. They should agree on a strategy to handle such situations and establish a method for resolving conflicts if either a parent or even a grandparent interferes in their personal relationship.
Summary
The first thing a woman should consider when a man proposes to her is his religion and character. If he is weak in his faith or has a bad character, she should not marry him. If he is satisfactory in both, she should then consider his other attributes and characteristics, such as his educational level, job, financial status, lineage, physical appearance, and other qualities. She has the right to accept what she finds compatible with her and reject what does not suit her.
However, it is advised not to be overly stringent with conditions and demands or to insist on perfection. If religion and character are present, it is wise to overlook some deficiencies, as they are the foundation of happiness and success in this world and the hereafter.
We ask Allah to grant success to all couples so they may live happy lives that please Allah and His Messenger. All praise is due to Allah, the Lord of the worlds.
[Shaykh] Dr. Muhammad Fayez Awad
Shaykh Dr. Muhammad Fayez Awad, born in Damascus, Syria, in 1965, pursued his Islamic studies in the mosques and institutes of Damascus. A graduate of the Islamic University of Medina in 1985, he holds a Ph.D. in Islamic Studies from Bahauddin Zakariya University in Pakistan.
He has extensive experience developing curricula and enhancing the teaching of various academic courses, including conducting intensive courses. Shaykh Awad has taught Fiqh, Usul al-Fiqh, Quranic sciences, the history of legislation, inheritance laws, and more at several institutes and universities such as Al-Furqan Institute for Islamic Sciences and Majma‘ al-Fath al-Islami in Damascus.
He is a lecturer at the Sultan Muhammad al-Fatih Waqf University in Istanbul, teaching various Arabic and Islamic subjects, and teaches at numerous Islamic institutes in Istanbul. Shaykh Awad is a member of the Association of Syrian Scholars, a founding member of the Zayd bin Thabit Foundation, a member of the Syrian Scholars Association, and a member of the Academic Council at the Iman Center for Teaching the Sunna and Quran.
Among his teachers from whom he received Ijazat are his father, Shaykh Muhammad Muhiyiddin Awad, Shaykh Muhiyiddin al-Kurdi, Shaykh Muhammad Karim Rajih, Shaykh Usama al-Rifai, Shaykh Ayman Suwaid, Shaykh Ahmad al-Qalash, Shaykh Muhammad Awwama, and Shaykh Mamduh Junayd.
