How Do I Guide a Child Who Bullies Peers?

Answered by Shaykh Abdul Sami‘ al-Yakti

Question

How should I guide a child who bullies and harasses his peers?

Answer

All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds. Blessings and peace be upon the Master of the Messengers, his Family, and all his Companions.

The term “bullying” is a contemporary term. In Islamic teachings, it is closely related to actions such as ridicule, mockery, arrogance, contempt, and calling others by offensive names. Bullying can arise from various causes, including educational, psychological, familial, and societal factors. Often, these causes are linked to a lack of adherence to religious principles or the moral values they promote.

The first step in addressing this bad behavior is to tackle its causes. Then, follow a series of steps such as good communication with the children, advising them and encouraging them to uphold good morals and avoid bad ones, correcting mistakes, training them in good dealings with people, and following up with other entities such as schools. If the child is mature, it is necessary to mention the reward and punishment in the Hereafter for these behaviors.

In later stages, it might be necessary to resort to appropriate worldly punishment. If that does not achieve the desired effect, professional help from specialists and psychological therapists can be sought. And Allah knows best.

Detailed Answer

The term “bullying,” as defined by UNICEF, is a form of violence practiced by a child or a group of children against another child, or annoying him in multiple and repeated ways. Bullying can take various forms: spreading rumors, threatening, physically or verbally attacking the child, isolating a child with the intent to harm, or other noticeable actions.

In Islamic terminology, the closest meanings to bullying are mockery, ridicule, arrogance, contempt, and name-calling, among other reprehensible behaviors prohibited by Sacred Law. The Quran and Hadith have warned against such behaviors.

For instance, Allah (Most High) says:

“O believers! Do not let some (men) ridicule others, they may be better than them, nor let (some) women ridicule other women, they may be better than them. Do not defame one another, nor call each other by offensive nicknames. How evil it is to act rebelliously after having faith! And whoever does not repent, it is they who are the (true) wrongdoers.” [Quran, 49:11]

And He says, “Woe to every backbiter and slanderer.” [Quran, 104:1]

Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:

“Do not envy one another; do not inflate prices for one another; do not hate one another; do not turn away from one another; and do not undercut one another in trade, but be, (O servants of Allah), brothers. A Muslim is the brother of another Muslim. He does not oppress him, humiliate him, or look down upon him. Piety is here” – and he pointed to his chest three times. “It is enough evil for a man to despise his Muslim brother. All of a Muslim is inviolable to another Muslim: his blood, his wealth, and his honor.” [Muslim]

Jabir Ibn Abdullah (Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:

“Indeed, the most beloved of you to me and the nearest of you to me on the Day of Resurrection is the best of you in character. And the most detested of you to me and the farthest of you from me on the Day of Resurrection are the talkative, the boastful, and the arrogant.” They said: “O Messenger of Allah, we know about the talkative and the boastful, but what about the arrogant?” He said: “The arrogant are the proud.” [Tirmidhi]

Bullying has many causes, including educational, psychological, familial, and societal factors. Often, these causes stem from a lack of adherence to religion or the moral values it promotes. While discussing these causes in detail is beyond the scope of this response, we will focus on the treatment and answer the question at hand:

How to Deal with and Guide a Bullying Child?

Several principles and guidelines mentioned by educational scholars can be summarized and integrated with Islamic teachings and principles found in many religious texts. These guidelines are:

Identify and address the causes of bullying: For instance, if the cause is related to the family, parents should review their behavior at home, as children often imitate their parents’ actions and behaviors unconsciously. They should also review the behavior of siblings towards the child.

Avoid physical violence and reprimanding or mocking the child: Physical punishment and mockery can reinforce negative behaviors rather than correct them.

Develop emotional intelligence in the child: Engage in discussions with the child, teaching them basic values related to compassion, tolerance, and friendship.

Instill a sense of responsibility: Encourage the child to feel responsible and dependable by giving them tasks such as caring for a younger sibling or a weaker living being like a pet or a plant.

Tell stories with moral lessons: Share stories that highlight the virtues of intelligence, the triumph of truth, the value of friendship, and the qualities of a beloved person, showing how people avoid someone who behaves badly.

Communicate with the school: Establish a joint mechanism to deal with the child through repeated awareness sessions and, if necessary, appropriate disciplinary actions.

Encourage correction of mistakes: Motivate the child to apologize to their victims and, if possible, give them symbolic gifts.

Implement appropriate consequences: If the child insists on continuing the bullying behavior, they should face consequences like losing a favorite toy or missing out on an anticipated outing. The school should also take immediate action if the child harms a peer.

Seek professional help: If the behavior persists, it is crucial to consult a specialist in child behavior modification early on, alongside the above steps.

Additional Guidelines Based on Islamic Principles

Differentiate between pre-pubescent and pubescent children: Adjust the approach depending on whether the child has reached puberty, as the methods of dealing with them might differ.

Admonish with good morals and avoidance of bad conduct: use Quranic guidance such as:

“O my dear son! Establish prayer, encourage what is good and forbid what is evil, and endure patiently whatever befalls you. Surely this is a resolve to aspire to.” [Quran, 31:17]

This verse emphasizes adherence to worship, enjoining good, forbidding evil, and being patient, implying that one should not engage in wrongful actions.

For pubescent children, mention the hereafter’s punishments: Highlight the consequences of bad behavior in the Hereafter as detailed in previous Quranic verses and Hadiths.

Repel bullying by illustrating Its ugly nature: Use Quranic imagery to describe the abhorrent nature of arrogance and mockery. For example:

“And do not turn your nose up to people, nor walk pridefully upon the earth. Surely Allah does not like whoever is arrogant, boastful.” [Quran, 31:18], indicating that arrogance is like a disease.

“Be moderate in your pace. And lower your voice, for the ugliest of all voices is certainly the braying of donkeys.” [Quran, 31:19], comparing loud and harsh speech to the braying of donkeys.

Conclusion

As parents and guardians, it is imperative to address the causes of bullying, strive to correct and guide our children displaying such behaviors, monitor them continuously, and follow the steps mentioned above. Always pray for their righteousness, success, and guidance as Allah (Most High) says:

“Our Lord! Bless us with (pious) spouses and offspring who will be the joy of our hearts, and make us models for the righteous.” [Quran, 25:74]

All praise is due to Allah, Lord of all worlds. Peace and blessings be upon our Master Muhammad, his Family, and all his Companions.

Allah knows best.

[Shaykh] Abdul Sami‘ al-Yakti