Balancing Marital Privacy Against Living with My Mother
Answered by Ustadha Zaynab Ansari
Question: I have recently gotten married (Nikaah) to a man living in another state, and my mother had told him that he is not allowed to see me until we have the walimah which is 6 months after. We accepted her request although we really want to be together. Now my mother has told us she wants us to live with her as she lives alone, but my husband wants us to have our own place nearby for just 6 months so that we get to know each other in privacy, without someone there. My mother has gotten really upset and has even said she may curse us. I fear that I may be in the wrong and Allah may punish me, but i also want to please my husband and spend time with him alone for the first 6 months. Should I try to convince him to stay with my mum, if not, should i just divorce (we haven’t had intercourse so there is no need for talak). I really don’t want to divorce and feel very stressed out.
Answer: Dear Sister,
Thank you for your question.
I pray this message finds you well.
When getting married, it is important to understand that two things change:
1. We now have obligations to someone outside of our parents, namely our spouses.
2. The nature of our relationship with our parents changes.
You are an adult and should act accordingly. Islamically, your mother cannot tell you can’t see or live with your husband. You are married and, assuming your husband has secured your agreed-upon mahr (dowry), it is his right that you join him where he lives.
It sounds like your mother is having a hard time letting go. It is often very difficult for traditional Muslim parents to accept that their children now have a new role to play and obligations to someone else. In time, if you handle this with grace and patience, your mother will accept that you are a married woman and have new responsibilities.
I would not advise immediately moving in with your mother because it is unfair to your husband. You do need time and space to get to know each other. If after a time, you feel that you need to move in with your mother, then, if at all possible, try to find a home that will accommodate everyone’s need for privacy.
May Allah Ta’ala grant you ease.
Is it obligatory to obey one’s parents unconditionally? What if they prevent me doing religious