Difficulty in Finding a Spouse and Losing Hope

Answered by Ustadha Zaynab Ansari Abdul-Razacq

Question: Is the person I will get married to part of “Qada” or “Qadar”? Some people find spouses easily although they never think about getting married, and yet they easily get married, others work hard, ask imams to help etc…

Many people in my social circle, from university and the islamic community know that I am unmarried and looking for a spouse. In addition, my mother has asked the imam to find someone for me. But some people say that marriage is qadar and that if I still have not found some one yet, that means my family and I are not “trying enough”. Please guide me about what is right. I am confused and sometimes I become hopeless astaghfirullah.

Answer: Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds. May the peace and blessings of Allah descend on the Prophet Muhammad, his family, his companions, and those who follow them.

Dear Sister,

Thank you for your question.

Everything that happens to us is a matter of “qada and qadr,” or Allah’s will.

I can understand that your difficulty in finding a spouse is a source of frustration for you. I can see how you might look at others and wonder why everything seems so easy for them.

Keep in mind, however, that there is some lesson in this situation that you might not understand, but may come to appreciate later.

Do not worry about those who say you and your family are not trying hard enough. Say to them that you need encouragement and positive words. If they cannot contribute either, then they should remain silent.

Do not lose hope. You have taken the right step by informing your local Imam and others that you are looking for a spouse. However, there are other steps you may take. For example, you mentioned your university and social circle. Keep in mind that it is permissible to propose marriage to a prospective husband, provided that you stay within the parameters of the Shari’ah. Therefore, you do not have to simply wait for the Imam or others to remember you. If you see someone who has potential, do not hesitate to have your family inquire after him.

Last but not least, do not forget to ask Allah daily for your needs. You can pray the Prayer of Need, or Salat al-Hajah, the details of which can be found here. It is also recommended to recite the following verse from the Qur’an: “Our Lord! Grant unto us spouses and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous” (25:74).

And Allah knows best,

Zaynab Ansari Abdul-Razacq