Is Giving Advice to Parents Disobeying to Them?

Answered by  Habib Umar bin Hafiz

Question: Assalam aleykum

One of my parents speaks rudely to me. Should I give him advice (nasiha), or is that considered disobedience to parents (uquq al-walidayn)?

Answer: [Assalam alaykum]

Offering Nasiha in a Respectful Manner

Giving advice is not disobedience to parents, but doing so without the proper etiquette is. For example, giving them advice with arrogance or abusive words or gestures that cause humiliation or hurt feelings or provoking them, would be disobedience. Giving advice in the proper, respectful way is not disobedience. And superior to this is to arrange for someone else to advise them, as this is more likely to meet with acceptance and is even farther from disobedience.

Elevation of Rank Through Patience

But in any case, your patience with their rudeness in speech or any other such harm to yourself will be a cause of your elevation and nearness to your Lord, and a means of attracting goodness and warding off evil from yourself. And if you are able to do this, then stand by it as much as you are able. And know that it is Allah who has chosen to place you in this trial. if you are successful in handling it, He will give you more than you could seek or aspire to, of the goodness of this world and the Hereafter.

Nonetheless, this does not mean that you must be silent from giving advice, or seeking the help of someone else to speak with them, so that you may be their helper and support in doing goodness to their children.

Imploring Allah for Rectification

And among the best things you can do in your situation is to implore Allah to rectify your parents and assist them in upholding the rights they owe to their children in raising them well. “And say: My Lord have mercy on them as they had mercy on me when I was young.” [Quran 17:24]

Translated by Fazil Ahmed Munir

Habib Umar bin Hafiz  is a descendant of the Prophet (upon him be Allah’s peace and blessings). Born into a family of scholars, Habib Umar, pursued the sacred sciences from a young age, including Quran, Hadith, Fiqh, ‘Aqeedah, Arabic, and Spirituality. In 1994, he established Dar al-Mustafa, an educational institute in Tarim, Yemem.

Link to the original answer

ليست النصيحة من عقوق الوالدين، ولكن خروج أسلوب النصيحة عن الأدب هو الذي يكون عقوقاً، بأن تكون النصيحة بنوع من التعالي أو كلمات فيها إساءة وإذلال وتجريح مشاعر أو حركة نرفزة تؤثر، فهذا هو العقوق. أما إلقاء النصيحة على وجهها فليس من العقوق في شيء.

وخيرٌ منه أن تطلب من ينصحه غيرك ليكن ذلك أقرب إلى القبول وأبعد لك عن القرب من العقوق.

وعلى كل الأحوال فإن صبرك على إساءته في كلامه وعلى تحامله عليك أو إيذائه لك، كلُّ ذلك من أسباب الرفعة لك وأسباب القربة إلى ربِّك وأسباب تحصيل الخير لك ودفع الشر عنك، فمهما قدرت على ذلك فلتقم به ما استطعت. ولتعلم أن ذلك اختبار لك من الله إن نجحت فيه أعطاك فوق ما تتمناه وفوق ما تريده من خيرات الدنيا والآخرة.

ومع ذلك كله فليس يلزمك أن تسكت عن نصحه ولا أن تستعين بأحدٍ ينصحه ويكلمه ويخاطبه؛ ليكون رفيقاً لأولاده ويكون معيناً لهم على بره.

ومن خير ما تتعامل به في هذه الحالة كثرة دعائك لله تعالى في إصلاح والديك وقيامهم بخير ما يربّون به الأولاد ((وقل ربِّ ارحمهما كما ربياني صغيراً)).