How Can I Deal With My Sexual Urges If I Don’t Want to Marry?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam alaykum,

I have, as a woman, very strong sexual urges. But I am not interested at all in getting married. I don’t want to have my heart broken and I don’t think I have the qualities to be a good wife. I have tried to reduce my desires through fasting and sport but to no avail. What can I do?

Answer: Assalam alaykum wa rahmat Allah wa barakatuh,

Dear sister,

I pray this finds you well. Please forgive me for the delay.

From a legal standpoint, you are permitted to harm yourself if you wish, but not another person. If you fear that you will only harm the person you marry, then you are right—it is better for you not to marry. May Allah reward you for having this insight, despite your tremendous test.

Have you sought any holistic help? Is there a naturopath, nutritionist, homeopath, Traditional Chinese doctor, or someone else you can speak to? Perhaps there is something in your diet you need to change, or some kind of energetic and/or hormonal imbalance you need to address.

I encourage you to take up mindfulness, or a grounding kind of martial art such as Aikido. This is different to sports, which seems to make you feel even worse. Aikido, for example, can help you find your center. When you feel more grounded, then it is easier for you to remain unruffled by the tests in your life.

Please forgive me for being blunt, but were you sexually or emotionally abused in your past? This could be a major contributory factor to your libido challenges. Please out a counsellor who specialises in trauma, and commit to a path of recovery. Please also consider Purify Your Gaze, a safe space for Muslims who are addicted to sex and/or pornography.

From a spiritual standpoint, please wake up in the last third of the night (even if it’s 15 minutes before the entry of Fajr) and perform the Prayer of Need. Ask Allah for healing, for patience, for contentment in His Decree.

I pray that there is a solution for you. Please keep in touch.

Wassalam,

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersGuidance Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.