Answered by Shaykh Jamir Meah
Question: Assalamu alaykum
I have a specific person in mind for a husband.
I cannot approach him regarding this because to him, I’m just an older friend. However, I do not want anyone else either. Either him, or alone.
What do I do besides pray?
Answer: Wa’alaykum assalam,
May Allah give you ease and solace during your hardships. As with all struggles in life, it’s important to try to keep things in perspective and turn to Allah. Over time the heart settles and finds a way to move forward.
Human emotions and relationships are complex. When intense, they can overpower a person’s thoughts until the person cannot think of anything else and becomes dependent on that one thing. Often when we desire something in life so badly, we lose perspective of the reality of the situation, and forget how resilient and independent we are as humans.
Allah Most High tells us, ‘Perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. [2:216].
Therefore, despite the feelings we may experience during difficult times, even the most tortuous and aching emotions, like a storm sea, settles and calms over time. With this, the wisdom of the situation becomes apparent.
Because of the inevitable and natural inclinations of the heart, God has set certain boundaries in regards opposite-sex relationships. When these boundaries are not observed, various problems may occur. At best, there are issues of unrequited love and unfulfilled yearning, and at worst, unlawful desire and sin. When the boundaries are observed, these situations are usually avoided.
You mention that you have known your male friend for more than one year and consider yourselves old friends. This is far beyond the amount or limits required for a serious marriage consideration to be finalised. It seems your friend has been quite clear that he is not seeking marriage from your friendship. Therefore, I would urge you to relinquish any contact with the male in question and concentrate on moving forward with life. Over time, this will recede into the past and you’ll find happiness elsewhere.
Turn to Allah
While we need human relationships and reciprocal love, our hearts should always be striving, first and foremost, to have a relationship with Allah. Only then can we keep perspective of our human experiences. In regards to supplication to Allah, bear in mind the following:
1. Do not supplicate to Allah specifically for this person, but rather ask Allah to grant you happiness and a pious and good spouse, and a blessed marriage that is pleasing to Allah. You may feel there is no one else out there for you, but this is because of your current emotions and thoughts. The reality is that none of us know wherever there is something better for us out there. If it is clear that your friend does not want to marry, then pray for someone better than him. What may seem as near-perfection in him now, may not always be the case.
2. When we lose something we love, we often turn to Allah for comfort and to bring back what we have lossed. This is fine, but genuine love and gratitude is turning to Allah in every situation, good or bad. Continue to supplicate, say ‘Alhamdulillah’ much, give some charity if and when possible, and try your best to be content with what Allah has decreed.
Allah tells us, ‘And He will provide him from [sources] he could never imagine. And whoever puts their trust in Allah, then He will suffice him.’[65:3]. Provision doesn’t just mean financial security, it also extends to spouses and children. The when and how of this provision has already been ordained.
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Wanting to marry someone who only sees me as a friend
May Allah mend your broken heart and keep you in His Pleasure, and away from anything displeasing to Him.
[Shaykh] Jamir Meah
Shaykh Jamir Meah grew up in Hampstead, London. In 2007, he traveled to Tarim, Yemen, where he spent nine years studying the Islamic sciences on a one-to-one basis under the foremost scholars of the Ribaat, Tarim, with a main specialization and focus on Shafi’i fiqh. In early 2016, he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continues advanced studies in a range of Islamic sciences, as well as teaching. Jamir is a qualified homeopath.