Answered by Ustadha Rukayat Yakub
Question: Salam A’alaykum,
I used to speak to this man before I got married. Things didn’t work out at first. Just before I got engaged, this man approached me with a phone call saying he was ready for marriage. I apologized and told him that my choice of marriage is with another man. Every time I have an issue with my husband, I doubt my decision and choice of which man I should have been with, as both are very much alike in deen and akhlaq, and this worries me a lot- as I feel like I’m causing harm upon my husband indirectly. It has also happened that I have re-spoken to the man since I’ve been married and I don’t want to speak to him, yet I feel like I don’t want to stop speaking to him. I am very confused and not sure what to do. Your help will be much appreciated.
Assalaamu alaikum dear sister,
It is imperative that you stop all communications with this other man. Imagine how you would feel if your husband were doing this. You made a decision, as long as your husband isn’t abusive, addicted or unfaithful to you, you have no reason to doubt your decision, and if you do, this is not the way to resolve it. Any current issues in your marriage should be dealt with family guidance and/or marital counseling.
Let this man go on with his life and you with yours. Marriage is what you make it, it is partly who you marry, but more importantly it is what you put into it and what you decide it will be. It is not what we wish it to be, so if you want to change the tone of your marriage you will have to decide what you want and put in the work. Most men respond positively to efforts their wives make in making a happy marriage. A book I will recommend is The Proper Care and Feeding of Husband’s, it teaches women how to bring out the best in their husbands and make their marital lives happier.
I would also recommend you both taking an Islamic marriage class, so you can both learn how to make this union one of happiness for you both in this world and the next. At the first sign of thinking about this other man, seek Allah forgiveness and do something else like reflect on something nice your husband has done, or does regularly for you. Give him a call and thank him for what he does, do something you enjoy, this could be exercise, painting, reading, running or what ever your hobbies are. Or it could be serving others in your local community through volunteering,
Keeping yourself busy, help others and reflect on the kind things your husband does and do kind things for him. Wishful thinking sometimes stems from unhappiness or discontent, so look at your present live, identify what is causing this feeling and change it, pondering on his other man will not make you happier.
May Allah ta’ala give you happiness in thie world and the next
Checked & Approved by Faraz Rabbani