Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
I am 17 and I love someone who doesn’t love me. I know that he loves someone else, as I know his girlfriend too, and she is good in her own way. I just love him unconditionally and I don’t think I can replace him. What do I do?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us. Please forgive me for the delay.
Unrequited love is one of the most terrible heartbreaks in this dunya. Right now, it may feel that you will never love someone as deeply as you do this young man. However, please seek comfort in the knowledge that feelings are not fact. I pray that Allah has in store for you a worthy husband, someone whom you can build a life with in this world as well as the next.
The love that grows within the safety of marriage is different to the love outside of it. It is a steady, deep love that grows stronger with the ups and downs of life – family problems, financial uncertainty, the birth of children, the death of loved ones, and so on.
I urge you to step back from this young man. Distance from him will hurt at first, but time will heal your pain. Know that he is already in a sinful pre-marital relationship, so even if he was meant to marry you some day, now is not the time. Be mindful about your future interactions with young men. I encourage you to read this A Reader On Gender Interaction.
Channel your energy elsewhere. Do you paint, sketch, or journal? It may be worthwhile for you to explore those outlets. Pick up a new hobby. Learn a new skill. Divert your attention from him.
Most importantly, I encourage you to spend time making daily istighfar and the Prayer of Need – ask Allah for healing, and for the gift of the best husband for you.
I encourage you to reflect on what kind of marriage you actually want, to help you make wiser choices. Please prepare by doing courses such as Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages and reading books such as Before You Tie The Knot. Love is not enough for a marriage to thrive.
“There is no compulsion in religion. Verily, the Right Path has become distinct from the wrong path. Whoever disbelieves in Taghut and believes in Allah, then he has grasped the most trustworthy handhold that will never break. And Allah is All-Hearer, All-Knower.” [Qur’an, 2:256]
I encourage you to nurture your connection to Allah and his Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace). Learn more about the Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) through doing courses such as Meccan Dawn: The Life of the Beloved Prophet Muhammad in Mecca and Medinan Lights: The Life of the Beloved Prophet Muhammad in Medina.
When your foundation is strong, then your heart is strengthened. When your heart is sound, then the actions from your limbs will also be sound. May your feet walk a path beloved to Allah, and when the time is right, may He send you a loving and pious husband.
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersGuidance Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.