Marriage & Dealing With Parents

Answered by Ustadha Zaynab Ansari Abdul-Razacq

Question: I have been looking to get married. My parents want me to marry someone from my cultural background but I cant find anyone religious.. I have recently had a proposal and I heard good things about the brother but he is from a different race. My mom says I shouldnt bother since my dad will say no. I am having troubles to make them listen, plus my parents are not practicing either which makes it more difficult. Idont want to disobey my parents but I also dont want to drag this on for so long. What will be the best thing to do to please Allah because that is my biggest concern?

Answer: In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds. May the peace and blessings of Allah descend on the Prophet Muhammad, his family, his companions, and their followers.

Dear Sister,

Assalamu alaikum,

Thank you for your question. I pray you are doing well.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing such difficulty finding a good husband who is pleasing to your parents.

The way I look at it, you’re either going to keep on looking for someone from your ethnic background who is acceptable to your parents and meets your criteria, or you’re going to get this brother in touch with your father, knowing full well that your father may not be receptive.

I could argue both sides, but I will say, as someone who is multiracial and has experienced beautiful diversity in the Ummah, your parents’ views on this topic run counter to both the spirit and the law of the Qur’an and Sunna.

If you truly want to marry someone outside of your ethnic group, you need to have the wisdom, maturity, and determination to stand by your principles and hold your parents and yourself to the highest standards.

If, however, you want to spare yourself and this brother disrespect and heartache, you might want to be patient and find someone from your ethnic background, without compromising the Islamic characteristics you seek in a spouse.

To aid you in your decision, please read the details of the Guidance Prayer, or Istikhara, at

May Allah reward you,

Zaynab Ansari Abdul-Razacq
August 18, 2010/Ramadan 7, 1431

Checked & Approved by Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Zaynab Ansari Abdul-Razacq is a wife and mother residing in the southeastern United States. She graduated from Abu Nour University’s precollege program in 2000 and has remained active in teaching and studying sacred knowledge through SunniPath and SeekersGuidance. She holds undergraduate degrees in history and Middle Eastern Studies and is a certified public speaker.