I Wasn’t Attracted to Someone I Was Speaking to for Marriage. What to Do?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I was speaking to someone for the purpose of marriage while he lives in a different country. This person had great character, from what I got for the few days we spoke, but I was not attracted to him. Is it fair to say it’s okay to stop speaking as attraction plays a role in a marriage? Even more so, as speaking long distance as effort has to be put in on both sides. Did I do anything wrong by rejecting this brother?

Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us. Please forgive me for the delay.


Attraction is important in marriage, but please know that attraction takes time to grow – especially in the case of long-distance relationships. It is difficult to gauge ‘chemistry’, so to speak, when you are both not physically present.

Please be wary, too, of the myth of ‘instant attraction’. Unless a suitor is very handsome, it is unlikely that you will feel attracted to him right away. And even if you are, that does not necessarily mean that he is good husband material.

Please perform the Prayer of Guidance if you are ever confused about how to proceed. For example, if you continue to not feel interested in a suitor for marriage after speaking many times, then that is a sign that he may not be the right person for you. On the other hand, if your heart is inclined towards him, that that is a sign to proceed.

I recommend that you do your research about marriage, if you have not already.

Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages
Before You Tie the Knot : A Guide for Couples
Before the Wedding : Questions for Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married

Please see:

Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.