Answered by Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat
A few months back, I read translation of Sura al Baqara and it made me pray daily and I got involved in reading about Islam.
I started praying daily and avoided most of haram acts. Everything was going good, alhamdulillah. Then, suddenly before 2 months I started getting really bad thoughts about Islam, Allah, and my faith. I researched about it and came to know that this are the whisperings of the Devil.
I live in India and to be very honest whenever I see an idolator, my mind gets disturbed. As one of the verses of Qur’an says that doubters will go to the hell fire. I got scared, but when I researched about it, I found that their religion was based on mythology. But then on wikipedia itself I found another tab mentioning about Islamic mythology.I fell into more doubt. Immediately I closed the browser and didn’t even open that tab.
I didn’t even commited any act of Shirk or Kufr even then I felt that I am commiting Shirk or Kufr. And now I think that my life is doomed and hell fire is my destiny.
For the first time in my life I felt like committing suicide.
I pray you are well.
Do not worry, your iman is perfectly fine. You have not committed any shirk or kufr. There is absolutely no need to assume that you are going to Hell.
What is happening to me?
You seem to have had some symptoms of OCD emerge. These symptoms can be very vivid at times, and even lead a person to doubt whether the unspeakable thoughts that enter entered his mind came willingly or unwillingly. Do not worry and do not panic. Trying to fight these thoughts will only make them them stronger, so don’t try it.
Sometimes, due to past trauma, people struggle with opening up in relationships. Opening up in a relationship means being vulnerable, and that means opening up to the possibility of being hurt with similar pain to what they experienced in the past.
What is religion except a relationship with Allah? Unfortunately, when this happens to a person the Devil steps in and likes to make a person lose hope. Don’t!
The above is scenario might not exactly what your case is, but take a lesson from it.
Have a Good Opinion of Allah
Didn’t Allah guide you to Himself? When you read the translation of the Qur’an, something changed. It inspired you to draw closer to Allah. You were doing so, and seeing many fruits of that.
Allah has given you the gift of iman, and He is the Most Generous. Would a generous person give a gift and then take it back? Clearly not! You have this gift of iman, so assume that Allah will help you develop it and make it flourish.
Don’t Engage With the Thoughts
Don’t worry about the thoughts or feelings you may be getting. You are not accountable. The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Indeed, Allah has overlooked for y followers what their minds say to them, as long as they do not do it or speak about it.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
Fighting them will only make them stronger. Let them come, and let them go. Be a passive observer. That way the symptoms won’t intensify.
Please listen to this seminar for a clear way to move towards healing from this. You should consult a professional if you are getting suicidal thoughts. Don’t let it just be. Go find help.
Make Your Worship for Allah
This is not a questioning of your sincerity. Rather, what I mean is to worship Allah for Allah. Don’t worry about any pleasure, enjoyment, peace, or anything else that came to you through your worship. If Allah sends it, alhamdulillah. Otherwise, worship Him because He deserves it, and because He has commanded it.
Don’t try to research anything you have doubts about online. Instead, take a course with us and ask a teacher. That way you’ll get clear answers.
May Allah remove your difficulties from you very soon.
[Shaykh] Abdul-Rahim Reasat
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat began his studies in Arabic Grammar and Morphology in 2005. After graduating with a degree in English and History, he moved to Damascus in 2007, where, for 18 months, he studied with many erudite scholars. In late 2008 he moved to Amman, Jordan, where he continued his studies for the next six years in Sacred Law (fiqh), legal theory (Usul al-fiqh), theology, hadith methodology, hadith commentary, and Logic. He was also given licenses of mastery in the science of Quranic recital. He was able to study an extensive curriculum of Quranic sciences, tafsir, Arabic grammar, and Arabic eloquence.