Answered by Shaykh Abdullah Anik Misra
When I was 13 years old, there was a lot of pressure on children to memorize the Quran in my community. My friends memorized the Quran, and I felt like I had to too. Although I had memorized 20 juz, I felt the need to tell people that I had also completed my hifz, including my parents. Now that I am 20, I feel very ashamed and guilty that it eats at me. I am on my way to completing it but feel that that is not good enough.
What shall I do? I feel like I deserve to die because of it.
In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful and Compassionate,
There is no doubt that lying and misrepresenting yourself deliberately is a sin and morally wrong. However, you already realize that and feel remorse over it. Once you have sought forgiveness from Allah Most High for it, resolve not to make this claim again nor do anything to further the impression of it. [Ghazali, Ihya Ulum al-Din]
That being said, have some mercy on yourself. You were an adolescent in a high-pressure environment where you wanted to conform and please your community for a good thing. I understand this may be eating at you because it has to do with the Book of Allah itself. However, Allah forgives, and He has provided a curtain of mercy between your mistake and other people’s knowledge of it. Never tear that down. Take this divine cover as a great chance to complete your memorization quietly to become the thing you aspired to become, insha Allah.
Finally, there are bright sides to everything. You mentioned you are on your way to completing. Now, when you do complete by the will of Allah, the joy of it will be between you and Allah alone. Nothing to announce, nothing to worry about pride over. You will value and cherish this in a special way because you worked for it with sincerity, but most of all, Allah still accepted you to do it. That is a very reassuring sign. May you taste the sweetness of intimate discourse with Allah Most High as you recite His eternal speech by heart.
[Shaykh] Abdullah Anik Misra
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Abdul-Rahim Reasat
Shaykh Abdullah Misra was born in Toronto, Canada, in 1983. His family hails from India, and he was raised in the Hindu tradition. He embraced Islam in 2001 while at the University of Toronto, from where he completed a Bachelor of Business Administration. He then traveled overseas in 2005 to study the Arabic language and Islamic sciences in Tarim, Yemen, for some time, as well as Darul Uloom in Trinidad, West Indies. He spent 12 years in Amman, Jordan, where he focused on Islamic Law, Theology, Hadith Sciences, Prophetic Biography, and Islamic Spirituality while also working at the Qasid Arabic Institute as Director of Programs. He holds a BA in Islamic Studies (Alimiyya, Darul Uloom) and authorization in the six authentic books of Hadith and is currently pursuing specialized training in issuing Islamic legal verdicts (ifta’). He holds a certificate in Counselling and often works with new Muslims and those struggling with religious OCD. He is an instructor and researcher in Sacred Law and Theology with the SeekersGuidance The Global Islamic Seminary. Currently, He resides in the Greater Toronto Area with his wife and children. His personal interests include Indian history, comparative religion, English singing, and poetry.