How Can I Avoid Gossip Without Upsetting My Mother?
Answered by Shaykh Yusuf Weltch
Question
My mother loves gossip and stubbornly continues despite me asking her many times not to. I try not to listen and redirect the conversation, but she insists and expects a response.
If I defend the person or say, “don’t talk like that,” she gets angry and calls me disobedient, says I shouldn’t teach her, or that I should argue and be on her side.
Recently I stopped making eye contact when she gossips — she got very angry, thinking I was disrespecting her, and hasn’t spoken to me for a week.
I feel terrible. Should I ask for forgiveness? Was avoiding eye contact wrong? How can I avoid gossip while still maintaining respect for her?
Answer
In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate
Among the most challenging things for a Muslim to navigate is following the Prophetic guidance within family dynamics.
This situation is a delicate balance between two obligations: avoiding gossip and backbiting, and obeying and honoring one’s parents.
The Prohibition of Gossip and Backbiting
Both gossiping and backbiting are major sins. Unlike one’s private sins, backbiting and gossip are among the worst sins because they violate the rights of others.
Allah Most High says, “O believers! Do not let some ˹men˺ ridicule others; they may be better than them, nor let ˹some˺ women ridicule other women; they may be better than them. Do not defame one another, nor call each other by offensive nicknames.
How evil it is to act rebelliously after having faith! And whoever does not repent, it is they who are the ˹true˺ wrongdoers.” [Quran; 49:11]
The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and give him peace) asked, “Do you know what backbiting is?” They replied, “Allah and His messenger know best.”
He said, “For you to mention your brother with that which they dislike.” It was asked, “What if what I say is true about my brother?” He said, “If what you said is true, then you have backbitten him. If it is not true, you have slandered him.” [Muslim]
The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Backbiting is worse than fornication.” They asked, “O Messenger of Allah, how could backbiting be worse than fornication?”
He (may Allah bless him and give him peace) replied, “Truly, someone could commit fornication and repent, and Allah will forgive him; however, whoever commits backbiting will not be forgiven until the one they backbited forgives them.” [Bayhaqi]
Obligation of Obeying and Honoring Parents
Allah Most High strongly emphasizes the obligation to treat one’s parents respectfully. This obligation is so important that Allah Most High attaches it to the obligation of affirming Divine Oneness.
Allah Most High says, “For your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And honor your parents. If one or both of them reach old age in your care, never say to them ˹even˺ ‘ugh,’ nor yell at them. Rather, address them respectfully.” [Quran; 17:23]
Honoring one’s parents is an absolute injunction; however, obeying one’s parents excludes those things that are acts of disobedience to Allah Most High.
Allah Most High says, “But if they pressure you to associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, do not obey them. Still keep their company in this world courteously, and follow the way of those who turn to Me ˹in devotion˺. Then to Me you will ˹all˺ return, and then I will inform you of what you used to do.” [Quran; 31:15]
This verse demonstrates the most extreme example of where one must disobey their parents, namely when they command to disbelieve in Allah Most High.
This verse is mirrored in the statement of the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and give him peace), “There is no obedience to the creation in the disobedience to the Creator.” [Tabarani]
Advice
Just as you have been, strive to disassociate yourself with the gossip and backbiting as best as you can. However, you must do so tactfully and respectfully.
The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and give him peace) gave us some principles by which we can command the good and forbid the evil. The Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Whoever among you sees a wrong, let him change it with his hand. If he cannot, then let him change it with his tongue. If he cannot, then let him change it with his heart, and that is the weakest of faith.” [Muslim]
If you find that speaking up is reasonably likely to lead to the gossiping coming to an end without any harm coming to you, then you must do so. Otherwise, if you dislike the action in your heart as a show of disassociation, you are not accountable for the sin.
Know that despite the difficulty you may experience from your mother, your steadfastness against sin is appreciated by Allah Most High.
Hope this helps. Allah knows best.
[Shaykh] Yusuf Weltch
Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Related Answers
How Do I Deal With a Mother Who Constantly Backbites and Gossips About Family? — Advises gently changing the subject, avoiding participation in gossip, and maintaining kindness and respect towards one’s mother despite the difficulty.
How Can I Get My Mother to Stop Sharing My Life with Others? — Discusses respectfully setting boundaries with one’s mother while remaining patient and honoring her rights as a parent.
Should I Stop Correcting My Mother and Just Love Her? — Explains the balance between sincere advice to parents and preserving family harmony and respect.
How Can I Deal With My Difficult Mother in a Respectful Way? — Offers guidance on maintaining excellent character and patience when dealing with challenging parental behavior.
What Constitutes Slander and Backbiting and How Can I Avoid Them? — Defines backbiting and provides practical steps for avoiding participation in it.
Shaykh Yusuf Weltch is a teacher of Arabic, Islamic law, and spirituality. After accepting Islam in 2008, he went on to study at Darul Uloom Seminary in New York and completed his studies in Darul Mustafa in Tarim, Yemen. There he completed the memorization of the Qur’an and his study of the Islamic Sciences. Throughout his years of study he was blessed to learn from many great scholars: al-Habib Umar bin Hafiz, al-Habib Kazhim al-Saqqaf, al-Shaykh Umar bin Husayn al-Khatib, and others. Upon returning, he joined the SeekersGuidance faculty in the summer of 2019.
