How Do I Deal With Being Put Down and Being Compared to My Beautiful and Fair-Skinned Relatives?

Question: Recently I went to a family wedding. One of my father’s uncles made me feel so bad. He directly said to my mother and aunt that my cousin is so beautiful and has good character. It hurt me so much because I am not fair-skinned, and he made me feel jealous. I lost all my confidence that day, and I can never forget how he compared me in front of my mother. Those were the worst moments of my life, and my heart was broken. How to deal with this?

Answer:Assalamu alaykum,

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you felt bad that day, and I pray that Allah reconciles your heart toward your father’s uncle. Try not to hold a grudge against him, but rather, look inside your heart and prioritize what matters most.

Beauty

Your looks will have absolutely no bearing on you, giving your account to Allah on the Day of Judgment. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Verily Allah does not look to your faces and your wealth, but He looks to your heart and your deeds.“ [Muslim]

Understand that the modern world is obsessed with outward appearance. Still, I encourage you to rise above what does not benefit you and focus instead on your health, religion, and education. Allah doesn’t make mistakes when he creates people, and He perfectly created you. No one can claim otherwise.

Health

Take care of yourself by eating healthy, cutting out junk food, sugar, or even wheat. Take your vitamins, exercise to be strong, and get fresh air daily. Treat this goal as fulfilling your obligation to Allah by giving your body its due right.

Knowledge

Take time to increase your knowledge of religion, as this is a duty upon every Muslim. Filling your heart with love of the Divine and willingness to draw closer to Him is the best means of acquiring inner peace and tranquility. The chattering of those around you will not begin to affect you by the grace of Allah. Work hard in your schooling, develop your skills, and intend to contribute something that is needed to this ummah. You will find that your looks have nothing to do with it.

Light

Strive for light. The true beauty that a Muslim is blessed with, by Allah’s favor, is nur (light) that comes forth from the face. Obey the commands of Allah, for Allah, puts nur on the faces of those who obey and fear Him The recitation of the Qur’an and performing the prayer of tahajjud increases the glow and light on the face. Also, read this du’a for light:
https://islamqa.org/hanafi/qibla-hanafi/36273

Putting up with people

The Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “The believer who mixes with people and bears their annoyance with patience will have a greater reward than the believer who does not mix with people and does not put up with their annoyance.” [Ibn Majah]Limit your interaction with people who purposely put you down and make du’a for those that you are jealous towards. Never let the Devil cause enmity or hate between you and another believer, discard negative thoughts about others, and make dhikr instead. Eventually, the Devil will tire of your devotion and your remembrance of Allah and stop plaguing you with negative thoughts about others. See this link:
https://seekersguidance.org/podcast-feeds/family-society/avoid-envy/May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad

Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.