How Should Converts Handle Insults From Non-Muslim Parents?

Answered by Shaykh Yusuf Weltch

Question

How can I maintain good conduct with my parents while respectfully disagreeing with them on religious matters, especially when they respond with harshness and personal insults?

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Merciful and Compassionate.

Below is a translation of an article/pamphlet written by Habib ‘Ali al-Jifri titled: New Converts’ Relations with their Non-muslim Family & Relatives

Article: How Do I Deal with My Non-Muslim Relatives, and Present Islam to Them?

The Key to the Heart: Da‘wa Through Character

Discretion in dealings and relations between a convert and their family can often be the key through which the light of Islam reaches them. It is very important, even before one announces their conversion to Islam, to show its fruits in their conduct, which is the manifestation of faith entering the heart.

A convert should look back at themselves and see how they were prior to their Islam. Were they, for example, easily angered? Or harsh? Or quick to react? Or indifferent towards his family? If so, then they should now embody the traits of Islam and adopt forbearance, mercy, patience, and concern for the family as qualities.

Likewise, if they were lacking in their respect towards their parents, then they should show filial piety, because Islam is not only a religion through which one draws closer to God, it is a religion that stems from human nature.

Patience in the Face of Hardship

It is through such conduct that the fruits of Islam may be felt by non-Muslim family members. This is the key to the hearts of others to open up to Islam. Converts must keep this in mind while also being mentally and emotionally prepared to accept, for the sake of God and as a means by which to draw near to him, wrongdoing and hurt from their part. Thinking that one is not able to bear any of this hurt arises from a false sense of the “self.” After all, are we ourselves greater than the self of the Prophet, upon him be peace, Fatima, Khadija, Abu Bakr, or ‘Umar, may God be pleased with them all?

A pertinent question here is why one does not have the preparedness to endure emotional hurt from their relatives because of their Islam?

Our truthful predecessors bore much in the way of spreading this light, from physical abuse, hunger, and many other forms of harm.

A believer who is faced with abuse from their family must face it with an exalted response, showing them the loftiness of a believer’s conduct in such situations. At the same time, a Muslim must remember that there is no obedience to God’s creation in matters that necessitate disobedience to the Creator; one should not forsake prayers (salat) or drink alcohol to please anyone.

This equilibrium serves as the foundation upon which a convert deals with non-Muslim family members. So, on the one hand, they deal with them in kindness and excellence, demonstrating the good character of a believer in persevering with the affliction of emotion, harm, and abuse and responding to it with goodness, and on the other hand, they stand firm and hold on to the truth, never compromising it nor violating God’s religion.

Balancing Kindness with Conviction

Question: Does a convert speak to his non-Muslim family and relatives about Islamic obligations and denounce those things they do that violate the Sacred Law? And if he does not, will that anger Allah?

From the scholars of Sacred Law, it is known that non-Muslim family members are not obligated when it comes to following the obligations of the Sacred Law or its subsections. The most important issue here is their acceptance of Islam. After this, all else comes, and those things which are forbidden in the Sacred Law for Muslims cannot be used to denounce non-Muslim family members.

Should they accept Islam, any denouncement of a violation of the Sacred Law should be done in a lofty and gentle manner. However, this does not apply to common ethics and morals. For example, if members of a household are accustomed to cheating, we can’t say that we don’t denounce it because they are not Muslims, since an act such as cheating is an unacceptable trait for all people.

However, an act such as their consumption of alcohol cannot be denounced, but requesting that it not be offered to you or consumed around you is within one’s right to request. Similarly, their consumption of pork is within their right and it is not correct to impose upon them non-consumption of it as this can contribute in driving them away from acceptance of the truth.

If they accept Islam one day, abstaining from God’s prohibitions becomes a natural manifestation of love towards Him. One must also never forget to pray for them, asking God to open their hearts.

The Three Pillars: Patience, Piety, and Prayer

Therefore, in summary, three things are required from a new Muslim: patience, piety towards parents, and prayers. Seldom did one be true to God in these things in dealing with non-Muslim family members and not see them honoured with accepting Islam.

Be an ambassador of the Messenger of Mercy (Allah bless him and give him peace).

Hope this helps
Allah knows best
[Shaykh] Yusuf Weltch
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Shaykh Yusuf Weltch is a teacher of Arabic, Islamic law, and spirituality. After accepting Islam in 2008, he went on to study at Darul Uloom Seminary in New York and completed his studies at Darul Mustafa in Tarim, Yemen.

There, he completed the memorization of the Quran and his study of Islamic Sciences. Throughout his years of study, he was blessed to learn from many great scholars: Habib Umar bin Hafiz, Habib Kazhim al-Saqqaf, Shaykh ‘Umar bin Husayn al-Khatib, and others.

Upon returning, he joined the SeekersGuidance faculty in the summer of 2019.