How Do I Get Out of Marriage That Is Causing Me Depression?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I got married to my cousin about 8 months ago. But until now, there are no feelings for him. I don’t feel comfortable and happy with him. When I am with him, I just want to run away. He is not a bad person and he is understanding and caring but still, I want to leave this marriage. But my family insists that I continue this marriage. I am emotionally and mentally become so weak and under depression.

Answer

Thank you for your question. I am sorry that you are frustrated and unhappy, but you have not provided valid grounds for asking for a divorce. How about making an effort?

Sloth

I was recently telling my son that the meaning of sloth, other than the animal, is being reluctant to make an effort or just laziness. I am not calling you slothful, but after just 8 months of marriage, do you think you can try a little harder? Men respond with leaps and bounds when a wife is cheerful, romantic, friendly, and active in bed. Instead of giving up, can you try to bring about the relationship that you desire?

Allah Most High

Don’t forget that Allah’s pleasure is the purpose of your marriage. Are you planning to have children? Are you fulfilling your obligations to him? If he is understanding and caring, what is missing? What is he not doing? Forgive me, but is there another man in the picture? Are you holding him to the standard of Hollywood movies or media?

Please keep this prophetic hadith at the forefront of your mind, “It was said, ‘O Messenger of Allah, what type of wife is best?’ He said, ‘The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, and she obeys him if he instructs her to do something, and she does not do anything with regard to herself or his wealth in a manner of which he does not approve.’” [Ahmad]

Hold yourself to this standard, and by Allah’s grace, you will have many blessings in this marriage.

Resources

Also, it sounds to me, that you need a lot of help. Find a solution through Allah, instead of guessing what is right for you. Please read these books, take these courses, and use the tips in the links below:
Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
Keys to Successful Muslim Marriages: Practical lessons that explain the Prophetic Spirit of Marriage
40 Hadiths on Successful Marriage: Key Teachings of the Prophet on Beautiful, Loving, Caring Married Life
Making Love Last: Prophetic Principles for a Successful Marriage

Kindly go through these books and articles:
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
A Guide to Marriage: SeekersGuidance Reader
When Love is Not Enough: Reassessing Marriage in the Muslim Community – Mental Health 4 Muslims Blog

Consider praying the prayer of Need:
How Does One Perform The Prayer Of Need (salat al-haja)?

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.

[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.