Should I Refuse Suitors from Abroad So That I Can Be Near My Parents?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

I am in my 30’s and unmarried; I am looking for a spouse but have been put off by prospective partners who are not local as I do not want to leave my parents alone.

Should I prioritize getting married even if this means moving out further afield, or should I remain unmarried and stick to a local search?

I have siblings; however, they and their spouses tend to cause difficulty and arguments when visiting. I have also considered moving out alone to avoid the stress and problems when they or their children visit us.

Answer

Thank you for your question. May Allah reward you for being concerned about your parents, and may he give you children that will also show you such consideration.

Local Suitors

First, look at the advice of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace). He said, “When someone whose religion and character you are pleased with proposes to (someone under the care) of one of you, then marry to him. If you do not do so, then there will be turmoil (fitnah) in the land and abundant discord (fasad).” [Tirmidhi]

That is your criteria, sister, not location. Allah will provide for your parents by whatever means He chooses, guaranteed. If you do marry a pious man further away, the likelihood of him supporting you to help your parents is greater than the support you would get from a corrupt man you marry close by.

Siblings

As for your siblings visiting, you are not alone in this situation. I know of many single women who are alone with their aging parents and have difficulty with their visiting siblings, nephews and nieces. Be patient as best as possible, and deal with them in goodness and kindness. If they test your patience, you can step out for “errands” or just offer them tea, don’t put too much on yourself. Gentleness with them will go a long way; by the grace of Allah, one never knows which deed will please Allah the most.

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Allah is kind and loves kindness, and He rewards for kindness in a way that He does not reward for harshness.” [Ahmad]

And he said, (Allah bless him and give him peace), “The believer who mixes with people and bears their annoyance with patience will have a greater reward than the believer who does not mix with people and does not put up with their annoyance.”[Ibn Maja]

Please see these links as well:
Important Traits to Look for in a Prospective Spouse
What Advice Would You Give Me to Find a Spouse?
How Should I Approach Getting Married?

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.