Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
My parents were abusive to my siblings and me as children; now, as adults, none of my siblings speak to them, and when I argued with them, they stopped talking to me as well.
They live with one of my brothers, who does not speak to them in his home. I visit them often to clean their dirty house because they don’t like cleaning the house and have accused me of stealing money from their bank even though I pay their rent and all.
I am in my late twenties and have not yet married. What should I do to deal with them?
Thank you for your question.
Truly, it is very difficult when you have parents that you don’t see eye to eye with. I pray that Allah facilitates this for you and that they see the tremendous blessing of a daughter that you are.
I honestly can’t tell you that you have to change much. You are already cleaning their dirty house, you are paying their rent, you are the only child who speaks to them, and you help them when you can. Keep up the good work, and remain calm as much as you can. If you find that you are not able to keep from getting angry when you see them often, just see them a little less frequently.
Your parents love you, but they are not able to express their love and appreciation to you. Know that Allah will reward you for every atom of what you do. Abu Darda’ said, may Allah be pleased with him, “I heard the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, say, ‘(Honoring) one’s father may lead one to enter through the best of the gates of Paradise; so take care of your parents, (it is so, whether you take care of them) or not.’” [Ibn Majah]
The only thing I can recommend is that you hire a cleaning lady, with the financial blessings that you have, so that the place can get cleaned once a week at least. When a place is left filthy, jinn likes to frequent that place, and you don’t want that. Also, leave your siblings alone, and don’t worry about their treatment of your parents. You should develop a strong bond with each of them and never talk about your parents with them for the sake of your own relationship with your siblings. When the time comes, you will see they are loyal to you, and in the future, they may listen to you.
Always turn to Allah with your pain and difficulty and see every test that you have as a test from Him, and behave as though only He sees you and no one else does.
- How Do We Deal With Parents Who Emotionally Abuse Their Children?
- Obedience to Parents When They Are Being Difficult
- How Can I Deal With My Difficult Mother in a Respectful Way?
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.