Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
I met a good Muslim guy. He asked me if I had been with anyone else, so I told him the truth. He ended our relationship. He said he won’t change his mind. Do I wait for him?
I get anxiety attacks because I feel like no good Muslim guy would want me. Will I ever marry a good Muslim man?
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.
Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) reports that the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace be upon him) said, “All my Community will be excused except those who are blatant. And it is from blatancy for one to perform an act at night and to wake up and tell something that they did such-and-such, while Allah had concealed it for them. They slept under the cover of Allah, and they rended Allah’s covering from themselves in the morning.” [Bukhari and Muslim]
It is actually impermissible for you to reveal past sin. It is blameworthy for him to have asked you about your past. You have made your repentance, and repentance gives you a clean slate. Moving forward, please do not tell anyone about your past zina. You are permitted to deny having a past.
If you were previously married and currently divorced, then it would be obligatory upon you to tell a prospective husband the truth about your marital status. Marriage and divorce are halal, and can be spoken about. Zina is a major sin, and must remain hidden.
To help give you closure, please perform the Prayer of Guidance up to seven times about what to do. Observe how life unfolds to give you an idea of what is best for you. If this young man does not contact you and moves on, then that is a sign for you to move on too. If he contacts you again and is willing to give you another chance, then that is a sign for you to pursue marriage. Don’t wait for him after you have completed seven istikharas.
Dear sister, please be honest with yourself. He has already made it clear that he is devastated and will not change his mind. This is heartbreaking for you, so please do what you need to to heal. Grieve your loss, and after that, I encourage you to move forward and trust that Allah has someone even better in store for you. Nothing is difficult for Him.
Make dua for Allah to cure your anxiety. See a culturally-sensitive counsellor to help you learn coping strategies. Also consider downloading this hypnosis track: Overcome Fear and Anxiety.
If Allah wills, then it is absolutely possible for you to marry a loving and righteous Muslim man. Have a good opinion of your Merciful Creator. Please do your part by making regular istighfar, guarding your prayers, giving in charity, performing the Prayer of Need and asking for a loving and righteous spouse. I encourage you to save up money to perform umrah and Hajj. Ask Allah for everything that you wish.
When registration reopens, I encourage you to do this course Islamic Marriage: Guidance for Successful Marriage and Married Life. This course will give you a clear idea of how to pursue marriage, and the spirit and law behind a successful Islamic marriage.
Trust in Allah
Place all your hopes in Allah and trust that He will never let you down. His Decree overcomes all of our weaknesses.
I pray that Allah grants you the blessings of a loving, righteous husband and children who will be the coolness of your eyes.
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani