How Can I Marry My Beloved Cousin If Our Families Are in a Big Dispute?
Answered by Ustada Shazia Ahmad
Question
For the past five years, I’ve been dealing with a seemingly impossible situation due to family issues. I want to marry someone, but there is a dispute involving my father’s brother. The issue doesn’t directly concern us, and both parties share responsibility for it. However, my family, especially my father and grandmother, are extremely angry and won’t allow the other side of the family to visit our home. My father’s anger is intense, and discussing their family only worsens the situation. I’m deeply concerned and unsure of how to convince my father and reduce their anger. I maintain my faith in Allah’s power to make the seemingly impossible possible.
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your pain and frustration and I pray that you achieve your goal, come to a compromise with them, and even spark a reconciliation between the families as Allah’s power has no limit.
Turn to Allah
Start by turning to Allah in this difficult time by committing to all of your religious obligations first. Additionally, supplicate to Allah before dawn, adorn yourself with good character, and give charity regularly, as the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) told us this, “Give charity without delay, for it stands in the way of calamity.” [Tirmidhi] Be sure to focus well on transforming yourself from within because the cycle of family drama and hate must not repeat itself generation after generation.
Keep your hopes up and know that Allah’s promise is true in the Quran: “[…] And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide for him from sources he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things.” [Quran, 65:2-3].
Bring it up
When you have prayed istikhara, and it feels positive, and the time is right, bring up the matter to your parents. Will they explode in anger? Maybe. But it’s OK. You need to let them start thinking about it. With contemplation and by weighing what is important to their beloved daughter, they will be forced to face the matter head-on and decide whether it’s worth fighting over forever. Tell them you are serious and sincere, and your istikhara feels positive. Ask other family members, elders or even a local imam to get involved if they won’t listen.
Be prepared. If it doesn’t work out or if your istikhara is negative, then Allah is telling you to move on, for reasons that might become apparent later. Ask Allah for guidance, trust in Him, submit to His will, and know that He will do the best thing for you. I still would urge you to take a course on marriage and learn your Islamic obligations and rights, the best way forward for anyone who wants to marry.
And remember this most important hadith at all times: Abu Qatada (Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Verily, you will never leave anything for the sake of Allah Most High but that Allah will replace it with something better for you.” [Musnad of Ahmad]
Please see the many answers in this link as well:
Reader on Parents Rejecting Suitors for Marriage
May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustada]Shazia Ahmad
Checked and approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria for two years where she studied aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
