How Can I Reduce the Urge to Argue?

Answered by Shaykh Anas al-Musa

Question

How can I reduce the tendency to argue?

Answer

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

All praise is due to Allah, Lord of all worlds. Peace and blessings be upon the Messenger sent as a mercy to the worlds, our Master and Prophet, Muhammad, and his Family and Companions.

First, you should know that argumentation is blameworthy, as the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) criticized it by saying:

“No people went astray after being upon guidance except that they were afflicted with argumentation.” He then recited this verse: “They cite him only to argue. In fact, they are a people prone to dispute.” [Quran, 43:58] [Ahmad]

There are two types of argumentation—praiseworthy and blameworthy:

Praiseworthy Argumentation

Praiseworthy argumentation is beneficial and aims to reach the truth or solve a particular issue. It involves an exchange of opinions in pursuit of the truth, conducted with mutual respect, attentive listening, and the goal of fostering understanding and cooperation between the parties.

This type of discussion is calm and orderly, without emotional tension.

Blameworthy Argumentation

On the other hand, blameworthy argumentation, which one should avoid, stems from bad intentions. The goal is to assert one’s superiority over others rather than to reach the truth. It often involves belittling or mocking others and leads to damaged relationships or discord.

This type of argumentation is typically marked by emotional outbursts and tension, which only exacerbates the conflict.

How to Curb Blameworthy Argumentation

To curb the inclination toward blameworthy argumentation, consider the following:

• Argue with the sincere intention of reaching the truth and pleasing Allah (Most High), rather than simply winning the argument or proving that you are right;
• Avoid arrogance during discussions and the belief that you are always correct. Be open to the possibility that the truth might lie with the other person, or that both sides may hold some truth;
• Listen to the person you are discussing with sincerely and attentively, and try to understand their viewpoint before responding;
• Avoid arguing at inappropriate times, such as when the other person is tired;
• Focus on common ground between you and the person you’re discussing with, rather than emphasizing points of disagreement;
• Clearly define the area of disagreement before starting the discussion, as many arguments become futile when both parties are talking about different aspects of the issue;
• Stay calm, maintain self-control, and avoid emotional reactions. This will help create a more peaceful environment for the discussion and prevent it from devolving into blameworthy argumentation;
• Avoid personal attacks during discussions. Keep the conversation focused on the idea or issue being debated rather than turning it into a personal confrontation.

Lastly, if you find that your discussion is heading toward blameworthy argumentation, I advise you to either change the topic or end the discussion. If you are unable to do so, politely excuse yourself and leave the conversation without showing any signs of annoyance or anger.

May Allah bless the Prophet Muhammad and give him peace, and his Family and Companions.

[Shaykh] Anas al-Musa