Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
Before we got married, my husband used to mix regularly with bad company and indulge in many major sins. He has repented, and so has lost all his friends. He misses the excitement of his sinful social life. How can I support him?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for seeking out an answer.
First and foremost, consign this matter to Allah. Wake up in the last third of the night and beg Allah to help you and your husband through this. Perform the Prayer of Need as often as you are able to. I pray that Allah will grant you and your husband the tranquility which you seek.
I encourage you to enrol in and complete this course: Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriages.
The basis of a successful Islamic marriage can be summed up in two words: sincere concern.
You seem to know a lot about your husband’s sinful past – did you know about his struggles before you married him? If so, then you need to be honest with yourself. You knew what you were getting into, and now is the time for you to make good on your commitment to him.
If you did not know about his past before you married him, then I pray that Allah grants you compassion, patience, and understanding.
Jarir bin Abdullah narrated that the Messenger of Allah said: “Whoever does not show mercy to the people, Allah will not show mercy to him.” [Tirmidhi]
Choose to be merciful to your husband. At first, this may feel hard to do, but persist in showing him kindness – inwardly and outwardly. I pray that over time, speaking to him kindly will plant seeds of compassion in your heart. May they bloom into a lifetime of sincere concern for him.
‘Abdullah bin Mas’ud (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “He who has, in his heart, an ant’s weight of arrogance will not enter Jannah.” Someone said: “A man likes to wear beautiful clothes and shoes?” Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “Allah is Beautiful, He loves beauty. Arrogance means ridiculing and rejecting the Truth and looking down on people.” [Muslim].
When you begin to feel judgemental, then catch yourself, make tauba, and remind yourself that Allah alone was the One who prevented you from falling into sin. None of us know which of our good deeds will be accepted, nor do we know which of our sins will cause us to be punished. Remember this, and stay humble.
You and your husband are on the same team. You are each other’s helpmates to Allah. View this as a beautiful opportunity to grow closer to him.
Ultimately, you cannot ‘make’ your husband do anything.
1) Encourage him to visit you often, and visit him whenever you can. Your company is already a source of joy for him. Make dua that Allah keeps you both patient until you can move in together.
2) Suggest alternate activities for him. Perhaps there is a soup kitchen he can help out at, or other community-based projects.
3) Help him taste the sweetness of faith. Bring him to better gatherings, and introduce podcasts such as The Hikam to him.
4) Ask your married friends if their husbands get together for any sporting or deeny activities. Introduce their husbands to yours.
I pray that Allah grants your husband companions who will bring him closer to Allah.
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.