Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
I am having a very difficult time trying to marry and I am about to give up. I have never dated or touched a girl. Allah blessed me with good looks but when I began looking, I was rejected over and over. I am now 35 and still, I am constantly rejected.
It is finally getting too painful and I dread proposing to a girl. I have been humiliated privately, publicly, in front of my friends, family, and colleagues. All ages, races, heights, backgrounds, divorcees, widows, you name it, it’s rejection. I’ve spent years praying for this. I always wanted a family, but I accept my lot.
Is it sinful for me as a Muslim man to move on and not marry? What do I say to people who ask why I didn’t marry? Will I be disgraced in the next life?
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your pain and frustration. Going through this constant rejection, while having an open mind, can be overwhelming. I want you to know that you are not alone, many men go through what you have gone through, you must trust in Allah.
To answer your question, it is not sinful for you to avoid marriage and you will not be disgraced in the next life. Marriage is not obligatory but rather it is a means to completing your religion. The spiritual development that takes place with marriage and children really cannot be replaced with anything else nor be as effective. Also, the fulfilment of desire is the best way to satisfy a man’s urges so he doesn’t veer toward the haram.
My recommendation to you is that you don’t give up on your search. Keep praying and don’t rush it, Allah will answer you when it is the right time in the right way. The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “One of you is granted an answer (to his supplication) provided he does not say: ‘I prayed but I was not granted an answer.‘“ [Abu Dawud] Please see this video about the full manners of dua:
You have a great attitude of positivity. You say that you harbor no anger toward the girls that you have proposed to, you accept a girl even if she has sinned in the past, you have never dated or had a girlfriend. May Allah preserve you and keep you like this. I am certain that the right girl has not come along and that Allah has protected you from ending up with the wrong girl. This is something to be grateful for. Show Him thanks and He will increase you.
Continue to make dua, improve yourself in every facet of life that you can. Strive to fulfil your obligations and improve yourself spiritually and gain Sacred knowledge. Take free courses at Seekers to review your obligatory knowledge and gain more. Exercise, keep a beneficial hobby, eat healthily, take care of yourself. Spend time in good circles of people that have a positive influence and connect with your friends.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied Aqidah, Fiqh, Tajweed, Tafseer, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied Fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She recently moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.