Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
If your parents are very angry with you because you lied to them and did bad things, and then they hit you and stop talking to you – what do you do?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us. Please forgive me for the delay.
Dear questioner, I am sorry that you are in pain.
Although it is sinful to disrespect your parents and to lie to them, it is also sinful for them to hit you, and to punish you by not talking to you. Receiving the cold shoulder from one’s parents can feel devastating.
Even though you sinned, there are kinder and more effective ways of setting limits on your behaviour. Just know that your parents are human, and make mistakes. I pray that your difficulties with your parents will help you become a better parent, some day, if Allah wills.
To better understand the rank of your parents, please enrol in this course Excellence with Parents: How to Fulfill the Rights of Your Parents.
To better understand the responsibilities your parents have towards you, please enrol in this course Parenting in Islam: How to Raise Righteous Children.
It was narrated that ‘Aishah said: “The Messenger of Allah never beat any of his servants, or wives, and his hand never hit anything.” [Sunan Ibn Majah]
So many parents struggle to communicate their feelings to their children. Additionally, Muslim parents fear for their children’s afterlife as well as worldly life. If they do not have the skills to regulate their own emotions, they can take out their frustrations through unproductive behaviours such as yelling, hitting, and ostracising their own children. This is not the way of our gentle and firm Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace).
Your parents are probably very afraid that because of your sins, you will stray from the deen. In their own way, they are doing the best they can. Find it in your heart to forgive them, learn from this, and promise yourself that you will do better.
“So will they not repent to Allah and seek His forgiveness? And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.” [Qur’an 5:74]
Please know that the doors of repentance are still open for you. No matter what you did, know that Allah still loves you. You are still worthy of His Forgiveness, and with His help, you can turn your life around.
Please know that a sincere repentance wipes out past sin, so please do not speak of your mistakes to anyone else. Please refer to Is It Permissible to Lie In Order to Conceal Past Sins?
I encourage you to wake up in the last third of the night, pray tahajjud, and make copious istighfar. Reflect on the choices you have made in your life that led you to sin. Ask yourself how you can change things around, to make it easier for you to do good, rather than fall back into bad habits. Ensure that you are guarding your prayers, eating halal food, earning a halal income, attend regularly circles of knowledge, and keep good company.
Trust that Allah’s Mercy for you is greater than your parents’.
That being said, please do your best to earn your parents’ forgiveness and trust. You have no control over when they forgive you, but please know that you will be rewarded for trying your very best. Even if they do not speak to you, still treat them with warmth and kindness. This will be very difficult to do at first, but know that none of your effort is in vain. Consider this a character-building exercise. It will take a lot of courage and vulnerability from your part, but know that this will add to your scale of good deeds, inshaAllah.
1) Increase in acts of service towards them – can you make your parents a cup of tea? Do their groceries?
2) Make dua for them after every obligatory prayer.
3) Enquire about their health.
4) Give small, regular charity with the intention of easing your parents’ disappointment.
5) Continue to ask forgiveness from them.
6) Make good on your Islam through doing your best, and getting up after every mistake.
Please see Prepare Yourself for Your Parents Old Age – Advice from Imam Tahir Anwar.
It would be far more effective for your parents to learn how to be more connected to you, so that you will naturally want to cooperate with them, and be influenced by them. Unfortunately, many parents resort to fear and control tactics because they had that done to them, and do not know a better way.
Who do you have to lean on? Do you have close friends or other supportive family members?
Please perform the Prayer of Need and ask Allah to help you get through this.
I pray that Allah grants a beautiful repentance, and helps to soften the hearts of your parents.
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersHub Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.