Is It Wrong to Want a Virgin and a Pious Wife?

Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil

Question: Assalam aleykum,

I want a virgin and pious girl as my wife. My friends say this is impossible in the modern age.

– Am I wrong to ask/desire for such a girl?
– Will I get a wife who has committed fornication even if I haven’t?
– Can I ask the girl to swear on the Qur’an about this before the marriage takes place?

Answer:Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I pray this finds you well. Please forgive me for the delay.

Dua

You can make dua for whatever praiseworthy quality you want in a wife. Just remember that Allah is the Best of Planners. Please trust in His Mercy, and His Wisdom.

Past sin

It is absolutely impermissible for you to ask your prospective wife if she has had a relationship in the past It is sinful to divulge past sin, and it is sinful to ask others about it. This is a very serious matter.

When you are considering someone for marriage and she has never been married before, then you must assume that she is a virgin. Some divorcees are virgins because their marriages were not consumated. Again, this private matter is something a person of taqwa and adab would not enquire about.

Please ask yourself why this is so important to you. The Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) only had one wife who has a virgin: Our Lady A’isha (may Allah be pleased with her). All of his other wives, the incredible Mothers of The Believers, had been married before: they were divorced women, widows or captives.

Repentance

When a person sins and makes a sincere repentance, then their slate is wiped clean. It would be as if they had never sinned, and Allah, in His Mercy, can turn their bad deeds into good deeds. A sincere repentance is good enough for Allah, the Creator of the worlds. Is that good enough for you?

Education

Please enrol in and complete this course before you approach anyone for marriage: Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered.

This course will teach you about what qualities to look for in a wife, and what qualities you need to have as a husband.

Some men have the unfortunate belief that marrying a young virgin will guarantee them a wife who will obey their every desire, no matter how base or unreasonable. This is an immature fantasy, and has more to do with pleasing one’s nafs, instead of pleasing Allah. An honourable man is strong enough to consult his wife, swallow his pride when he is wrong, and ask her for forgiveness. An honourable woman will do the same.

Humility

“A disobedience that bequeaths humiliation and extreme need is better than an obedience that bequeaths self-infatuation and pride,” – Aphorism of Ibn Ata’illah.

Please remember that it’s not your effort alone that has protected you from sin. Allah Most High has kept you safe. Without His help, you would be lost. Please don’t lose sight of this, and make continuous shukr for your good state. When you forget this, then it becomes very easy for you to judge others who are publically sinning. I pray that you are protected from the enormity of arrogance.

‘Abdullah bin Mas’ud (May Allah be pleased with him) reported:
The Prophet (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “He who has, in his heart, an ant’s weight of arrogance will not enter Jannah.” Someone said: “A man likes to wear beautiful clothes and shoes?” Messenger of Allah (upon him be blessings and peace) said, “Allah is Beautiful, He loves beauty. Arrogance means ridiculing and rejecting the Truth and despising people.” [Muslim].

Please refer to The Reliance of The Traveller:

P15.3
The wickedest arrogance is that of someone who exalts himself over people because of is learning and gloats to himself about his superiority. The knowledge of such a person is of absolutely no benefit to him. Whoever learns Sacred Knowledge for the sake of the next world is unsettled by his learning, his heart is humbled and his ego lowered. Such a person lies in wait for his selfishness and never gives it free reign. He constantly takes his ego to task and corrects it. Were he to neglect it, it would diverge from the right path and destroy him. The person who seeks knowledge to take pride in it or to gain a position of leadership, looking disdainfully at other Muslims, thinking them fools and making light of them- all this is the most enormous arrogance, and “no one with the slightest particle of arrogance in his heart will enter paradise.”

Reflections

What can you offer a potential wife? Are you forgiving? Are you kind? Loving? Can you provide for her financially? Can you be patient with her and her family? Can you overlook her flaws, and be her helpmate to Allah?

What flaws do you have? Are you inflexible? Do you find it hard to forgive? Do you have trouble resolving conflict? Please be aware that for a marriage to thrive, you and your wife will need to work on your flaws and grow closer, as a team.

I pray that Allah grants you whatever is good for this world and the next.

Please see:

Because I Committed Zina in the Past, Will I Ever Get Married to a Good Muslim Man?
Can One Lie About Past Sins?
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered

Wassalam,
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil

Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersGuidance Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.