How Should I Repent for a Promise I Cannot Reveal I Broke?

Answered by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani

Question

A young woman shared photos with you for the purpose of marriage consideration, on the condition that you do nothing inappropriate. You agreed.

You later returned to the photos to assess whether you were attracted to her and whether you wished to pursue marriage.

You feel you broke that promise, yet you cannot and should not tell her. How do you repent?

Answer

May Allah make this matter easy for you and reward the care you are showing for her rights. Before you reach the question of repentance, sit for a moment with what actually happened.

The reason the Sacred Law permits a man to look at a woman he is considering for marriage is the very reason you returned to the photos: to weigh her for marriage.

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said to a Companion who was considering a woman, “Look at her, for that is more likely to bring harmony between you.” [Tirmidhi]

Looking with the intention of marriage is not, in itself, the unlawful gaze that the Law forbids.

The Conditions of the Lawful Look for Marriage

The condition she set was that you do nothing inappropriate. Returning to her images to assess your attraction is, in its proper purpose, the lawful looking of one weighing marriage.

If you returned with that intention and your gaze stayed within those bounds, the substance of the promise was not broken, even if your feelings tell you otherwise.

A tender conscience can name something a breach that the Law does not.

If, however, you know within yourself that the looking drifted, that you lingered beyond the assessment, or that your intention shifted from marriage to something else, then there is a real matter for repentance (tawba).

Allah Most High says, in meaning, “Turn to Allah in sincere repentance” [Quran 66:8], and that “Allah loves those who turn to Him.” [Quran 2:222]

The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “The one who repents from a sin is like one who has no sin.” [Ibn Maja]

Repenting When You Cannot Seek the Other Person’s Pardon

Repentance has four parts: (1) stop the act, (2) feel remorse, (3) resolve not to return to it, and, where another person’s right is involved, (4) restore their right or seek their pardon.

The scholars teach a clear exception to that last part. Where seeking the wronged person’s pardon would cause greater harm than the original wrong, through embarrassment, discord, or the loss of a real good, the believer does not disclose.

He repents to Allah alone, prays for the wronged person, gives a quiet charity with her in mind, and entrusts the matter to Allah, the Reckoner of hearts.

This is the position transmitted by Imam Nawawi and developed at length by Imam Ghazali in the Book of Repentance. [Nawawi, Riyad al-Salihin; Ghazali, Ihya Ulum al-Din]

So, What Do You Do?

So here is what to do now.

First, do not contact her about this. To do so would lay on her a weight she never placed on you, and could cause her real harm.

Second, if you still wish to consider her for marriage, move through the proper channel: her guardian (wali) and an honest proposal.

Either move forward or release the matter; do not keep her images pending. Delete them if the matter is closed.

Third, pray two cycles (rakats) of repentance, ask Allah’s pardon plainly, give a small charity intending its reward for her, and pray for her well-being in your prostration.

Fourth, take the lesson: the heart can drift in small ways, and a condition accepted from another is a trust to be guarded with care.

The relief of repentance does not always arrive as a feeling. Sometimes it arrives as a quiet ending.

Trust Allah’s promise to accept the one who turns to Him. He is al-Ghafur, al-Wadud, the Most Forgiving, the Most Loving.

And Allah knows best.

[Shaykh] Faraz Rabbani

Related SeekersGuidance Answers

How to Repent When It Involves the Rights of Others?
Explains how to repent for wrongs involving others and when it may be better not to disclose the wrongdoing if doing so would cause greater harm.

Breaking Promises and Repentance
Discusses the spiritual consequences of breaking promises and the steps needed for sincere repentance.

Breaking Promises in Islam
Clarifies the rulings on broken promises and recommends seeking the other person’s forgiveness when doing so.

The Conditions of Repentance
Outlines the requirements of valid repentance, including how to address matters involving the rights of others.

Can One Be Forgiven for Sins Involving Others’ Rights Without Restoring Them?
Examines repentance for sins involving the rights of others, and the roles of restitution and forgiveness.

Shaykh Faraz Rabbani is a recognized specialist scholar in the Islamic sciences, having studied under leading scholars from around the world. He is the Founder and Executive Director of SeekersGuidance.

Shaykh Faraz stands as a distinguished figure in Islamic scholarship. His journey in seeking knowledge is marked by dedication and depth. He spent ten years studying under some of the most revered scholars of our times. His initial studies took place in Damascus. He then continued in Amman, Jordan.

In Damascus, he was privileged to learn from the late Shaykh Adib al-Kallas. Shaykh Adib al-Kallas was renowned as the foremost theologian of his time. Shaykh Faraz also studied under Shaykh Hassan al-Hindi in Damascus. Shaykh Hassan is recognized as one of the leading Hanafi jurists of our era.

Upon completing his studies, Shaykh Faraz returned to Canada in 2007. His return marked a new chapter in his service to the community. He founded SeekersGuidance. The organization reflects his commitment to spreading Islamic knowledge. It aims to be reliable, relevant, inspiring, and accessible. This mission addresses both online and on-the-ground needs.

Shaykh Faraz is also an accomplished author. His notable work includes “Absolute Essentials of Islam: Faith, Prayer, and the Path of Salvation According to the Hanafi School.” This book, published by White Thread Press in 2004, is a significant contribution to Islamic literature.

His influence extends beyond his immediate community. Since 2011, Shaykh Faraz has been recognized as one of the 500 most influential Muslims. This recognition comes from the Royal Islamic Strategic Studies Center. It underscores his impact on the global Islamic discourse.

Shaykh Faraz Rabbani’s life and work embody a profound commitment to Islamic scholarship. His teachings continue to enlighten and guide seekers of knowledge worldwide.