Answered by Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil
Question: Assalam aleykum,
My husband and I have had some very bad fights, in which we both argue and insult each other. My husband has pronounced ‘talaq’ to me many times over the years, and once even said it three times in a row, but we were both ignorant about the rulings of divorce. I know better now, and am worried about the current stage of my marriage.
My parents have pressured me to return to him and continue with married life. My husband and my parents both do not believe that a talaq said in anger is valid. What do I do?
Answer: Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
I pray this finds you well. May Allah reward you for reaching out to us.
This Answer is a general reply based on the details given. Given the considerations in such cases, please consult reliable local scholars about the specifics of the situation.
Dear sister, the majority ruling amongst the four school of thought is this – a prouncement of ‘talaq’ in a state of anger is valid, especially as he pronounced it three times in a row. In short, you are no longer married.
Please refer to this excerpt from The Ruling on Divorcing While Angry and Pronouncing Three Divorces:
Finally, it should be noted that, if a woman heard her husband pronounce three divorces and has no doubt in this, but her husband is doubtful, then it will not be permissible for her to treat him as her husband. It will be necessary for her to consider the marriage to be over, thus not let her husband have a husband-wife relationship with her, as the Fuqaha mention that a woman is like a judge (al-mar’atu kal qadhi), meaning that she will be considered a judge with regards to her own situation. (See: Radd al-Muhtar, 2/432). Yes, if she is also doubtful, then she will act according to the procedure outlined above.
In conclusion, you mention that you remember your husband pronouncing divorce three times, thus three divorces have into effect, thus the marriage will be considered to be over. You will not be allowed to return together until after your waiting period (iddat) is over, and until you marry another man and consummate the marriage, get divorce, and complete your second waiting period, because of explicit texts of the Qur’an and Sunnah.
Even if your parents and former husband do not believe you, please know that it is still binding upon you. You are ultimately the one responsible for your own soul.
Dear sister, from what you have described, it sounds like you have been divorced for quite some time now. Please make your taubah, and make a plan to move forward with your life as a single mother.
There is much stigma attached with being divorced in the Muslim community. Please know that in your case, as in many others, divorce is a mercy from Allah. You have the opportunity to live a peaceful life with your daughter now. He remains her father, and has rights to interaction with her.
I am sorry that your parents have pushed you back into a relationship with your former husband. They love you, and want what is best for you, and in their mind, that means staying married to your former husband.
It is obligatory for you to treat your parents with respect, but there is no obeying creation in the disobedience of Allah. Be tactful, respectful, and wise. If they will not listen to you, then seek out a compassionate local elder and/or scholar who can persuade them that you are in a state of divorce.
I pray that over the course of time, your parents will soften their stance.
Allah wants goodness for you in this world and the next. It is traumatising and deeply disrespectful for a husband to threaten his wife with ‘talaq’ every time he loses his temper. By the same token, it is unacceptable for a wife to goad a husband through belittling him.
I pray that Allah heals you and your former husband, and grants you both whatever is best for your dunya and akhirah.
If Allah writes marriage for you in the future, then I urge you to please study the inward and outward laws governing a successful Islamic marriage. Educate yourself through lesson sets such as this.
Who can you reach out for support during this time? Do you have close friends or siblings you can lean on? What is your financial state right now?
Please look after your spiritual, physical and emotional health during this stressful time. Your daughter needs you, and you can only give her love and support after you have nourished your own self.
I urge you to stand up in the last third of the night, even if it’s 5-10 minutes before the entry of Fajr. During this time perform the Prayer of Need, pour out your sorrow to Allah, and trust that Allah hears you.
I encourage you to draw comfort from the beautiful duas from this resource: Selected Prophetic Prayers for Spiritual, Physical and Emotional Wellbeing by Chaplain Ibrahim Long.
May Allah make this transition easier on you, and reward you for every discomfort you endure for His sake.
Am I Still Married Despite My Wife Claiming That I Have Divorced Her?
Is It Valid to Divorce Someone While Angry or During Menstruation?
What are the Wisdoms behind the Rulings on Divorce in Islam?
Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
[Ustadha] Raidah Shah Idil
Checked & Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Raidah Shah Idil has spent almost two years in Amman, Jordan, where she learned Shafi’i’ fiqh, Arabic, Seerah, Aqeedah, Tasawwuf, Tafsir and Tajweed. She continues to study with her Teachers in Malaysia and online through SeekersGuidance Global. She graduated with a Psychology and English degree from University of New South Wales, was a volunteer hospital chaplain for 5 years and has completed a Diploma of Counselling from the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors. She lives in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, with her husband, daughter, and mother-in-law.