Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration and shame and I pray that you can leave your past behind you and look forward to Allah’s mercy, love, understanding and compassion.

Despair

You should never despair and you should know that Allah forgives all sins. There have been many sinners before you and those who have done far worse. Find solace in this Quranic verse. Allah Most High says, “Say, ‘O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.’” [Quran, 39:53] It will do you no good to look back and worry what others think. Only look forward and anticipate more change, more transformation, and more closeness to Allah Most High. Whoever talks about you is not you friend, only interact with those who benefit you.

Du`a

Please say this du`a within this verse of the Quran, “And ˹remember˺ when the Man of the Whale stormed off from his city in a rage, thinking We would not restrain him. Then in the veils of darkness, he cried out, “There is no god ˹worthy of worship˺ except You. Glory be to You! I have certainly done wrong.” [Quran, 21:87]

And recite this du`a from the Quran:

“My Lord! Grant me wisdom, and join me with the righteous. Bless me with honourable mention among later generations. Make me one of those awarded the Garden of Bliss.

Story

Please think of this man’s repentance, be encouraged, have hope in Allah, and don’t give people a second thought. They will not help you on the day of Judgement:

Abu Sa’id al-Khudri reported Allah’s Messenger (Allah bless him and give him peace)   as saying: There was a person before you who had killed ninety-nine persons and then made an inquiry about the learned persons of the world (who could show him the way to salvation). He was directed to a monk. He came to him and told him that he had killed ninety-nine persons and asked him whether there was any scope for his repentance to be accepted. He said: No. He killed him also and thus completed one hundred. He then asked about the learned persons of the earth and he was directed to a scholar, and he told him that he had killed one hundred persons and asked him whether there was any scope for his repentance to be accepted. He said: Yes; what stands between you and the repentance? You better go to such and such land; there are people devoted to prayer and worship and you also worship along with them and do not come to the land of yours since it was an evil land (for you). So he went away and he had hardly covered half the distance when death came to him and there was a dispute between the angels of mercy and the angels of punishment. The angels of mercy said: This man has come as a penitant and remorseful to Allah and the angels of punishment said: He has done no good at all. Then there came another angel in the form of a human being in order to decide between them. He said: You measure the land to which he has drawn near. They measured it and found him nearer to the land where he intended to go (the land of piety), and so the angels of mercy took possession of it. Qatada said that Hasan told him that it was said to them that as death approached him, he crawled upon his chest (and managed) to slip into the land of mercy. [Muslim]

Please see these links as well:

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustada] Shazia Ahmad