How Can I Co-Parent with an Abusive Ex-Husband?

Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad

Question

What is the ruling on co-parenting with an abusive ex-husband who has threatened my life? Police say not to contact him, but imams say I have to. I am afraid he will steal our child or hurt me, and whenever we communicate, he just curses me.

I have no family to help me, but I’m worried as well that if I don’t give him visitation, I am committing a grave sin.

Answer

Thank you for your question. Your safety is the priority. When your ex-husband wakes up and stops threatening you, you should integrate him into the child’s life, as both parents are essential to a righteous and balanced upbringing.

Safety

It is obligatory to protect yourself from abuse, and you should stay away until he comes to his senses. This is not a sin. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:

“There should be neither harm nor reciprocating harm.“ [Ibn Maja] Follow the advice of the police for now.

Visitation

Allah Most High has told us in the Quran,

“O believers! Protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, overseen by formidable and severe angels, who never disobey whatever Allah orders—always doing as commanded.” [Quran, 66:6]

This is the basis of everything we do for our families, and your husband needs to understand this.

Visitation will only be possible once he calms down and stops threatening your life and cursing you. Communicate this to him in an email or through a third party. Explain to him that it is harmful for the child to see his father threatening his mother and that he must work with you to co-parent peacefully for the sake of the child. When he does start visitation, you might seek a court order for supervised visitation. By the grace of Allah, you will eventually co-parent easily and peacefully.

Dua

Please say this supplication daily, pray your prayers on time, read and reflect on the Quran daily, and consign all your affairs to your Lord.

اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْأَلُكَ الْعَافِيَةَ فِي الدُّنْيَا وَالْآخِرَةِ اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْأَلُكَ الْعَفْوَ وَالْعَافِيَةَ فِي دِينِي وَدُنْيَايَ وَأَهْلِي وَمَالِي اللَّهُمَّ اسْتُرْ عَوْرَاتِي وَآمِنْ رَوْعَاتِي اللَّهُمَّ احْفَظْنِي مِنْ بَيْنِ يَدِي وَمِنْ خَلْفِي وَعَنْ يَمِينِي وَعَنْ شِمَالِي وَمِنْ فَوْقِي وَأَعُوذُ بِعَظَمَتِكَ أَن أُغتالَ من تحتي

“O God, I ask Thee for security in this world and the next; O God, I ask Thee for forgiveness and security in my religion and my worldly affairs, in my family and my property; O God, conceal my faults and keep me safe from the things which I fear; O God, guard me in front of me and behind me, on my right hand and my left, and from above me; and I seek refuge in Thy greatness from receiving unexpected harm from below me.” Waki` said he meant being swallowed up by the earth.” [Abu Dawud]

Please see these links as well:

• What Is the Consequence If All Guardians Refuse Custody of a Child?
• What Are The Obligations Of A Father Who Does Not Have Custody Of His Children?
• Custody Of A Child

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next.
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Irshaad Sedick

Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied ‘aqida, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin, where she completed her Masters in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.