How Should I Deal with a Neglectful and Busy Husband?
Answered by Ustadha Shazia Ahmad
Question
I have been married for a year. I have some mental and physical health issues. My husband’s family needs his support. The days he spends with his family, he spends countless hours, if I go with him, I get very tired because he comes back between 10 pm and 12 am. I don’t like it when his brother’s wife speaks to him. If I don’t go with him he wakes me up by turning on the TV, coming home late, waiting for him to get back, etc. Because he has to support his family he is overworked and doesn’t give me quality one-on-one time, especially on the days he visits family. I’m struggling, I’ve spoken to him, and it feels like I’m speaking to a wall. He doesn’t respond but says he’s listening, sometimes, he apologizes but never changes anything. Can you advise?
Answer
Thank you for your question. I empathize with your frustration, and I pray that you communicate to him openly, gently, and sincerely, and also change what he would like changed about you.
Marriage
Marriage is a two-way streak, and both parties should do their utmost to help, support, and balance each other out. They should strive to have the best character toward each other because that is how the best of men described the best of men in this hadith: The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said: “The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives.” [Ibn Maja]
The same thing applies to the wife, where the best wife was described in this hadith: It was said, “O Messenger of Allah, what type of wife is best? He said, ‘The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, and she obeys him if he instructs her to do something, and she does not do anything about herself or his wealth in a manner of which he does not approve.’” [Musnad of Ahmad]
What to Do
Considering that your husband seems like a nice man, I urge you to be patient when he is overworked and take steps to initiate one-on-one time with him. Make the plans yourself, to go out, or have a special night at home. Be the one who gives him care and attention, it will completely wake him up and make him notice you. Dress up, smell nice, and make his favorite foods, get him a small gift. Take a nap while he is at his family’s house so that you are wide awake when he comes back. In sha Allah, every little attempt will make a difference, and you will find him bonding with you again.
Resources
Please use these resources, articles, and books to ensure that you are doing your best to effect change from your side. Make du`a that Allah sends you both guidance, strengthens your marriage, and gives you a relationship as the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) had with this wives. Strengthen your knowledge and practice of Islam as well, because with it, comes much baraka.
Show patience, love, respect, and goodness, and you will find that Allah will help you at every turn, by His grace. Know that Allah’s promise is true in the Quran: “[…] And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide for him from sources he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allah, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Indeed Allah has set a measure for all things.” [Quran, 65:2-3]
Course Suggestions:
- Marriage in Islam: Practical Guidance for Successful Marriage
- Making Love Last: Prophetic Principles for a Successful Marriage
Answer Suggestions:
- Istikhara Prayer
- Prayer of Need (Salat al-Haja)
- Love, Marriage and Relationships in Islam: All Your Questions Answered
- How Do I Deal with a Neglectful Husband Who Volunteers All His Time to Others?How Much Should You Try to Change Your Spouse or Partner?
- Should I Get Back to A Cold Husband?
Book Suggestions:
- Chapman, G: Five Love Languages Revised Edition
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
- Handbook of a Healthy Muslim Marriage
Article Suggestions:
[Ustadha] Shazia Ahmad
Checked and Approved by Shaykh Faraz Rabbani
Ustadha Shazia Ahmad lived in Damascus, Syria, for two years, where she studied aqidah, fiqh, tajweed, tafsir, and Arabic. She then attended the University of Texas at Austin and completed her Master’s in Arabic. Afterward, she moved to Amman, Jordan, where she studied fiqh, Arabic, and other sciences. She later moved back to Mississauga, Canada, where she lives with her family.
